Drowning

These are just opinions, so feel free to utilize or ignore them.

The rhyming is a bit forced. The idea of drowning would be better expressed in panicked communications. Such a structured poem naturally becomes at odds with itself.

Only the last stanza perpetuates the sensation of drowning. Up until that point, the notion the narrator is drowning has little impact. To rearrange stanzas,  relocating last to first is only a bandaid. The solution is to carry the theme throughout.

Also, wreckage implies a broken vehicle. A floating vessel of some sort that sinks for some reason would work. Whatever reason given for the cause of the wrecking could be introduced to give the reader additional means of emphathizing with the narrator.

Darkness envelopes. Water envelopes. Escape implies getting out of something. "Upon the darkness now" conflicts. "Within" is more apt.

That is great feedback!  Thank you.  Let me take some time to evaluate information.  I have reworked this poem a few times but want it to read the same as the intensity in my head...if that makes sense.  Thanks again

Bravo on the critique, Johnny! Mel, if you revise post so we can see the progress! xo

I took revisions suggestions from Johnny...that is what is posted above now. Previous version is below...
Drowning in this wreckage
Upon the darkness now
All hope escaping
Survival, I know not how

Drowning in this wreckage
Pure blackness in my day
No scent guiding me
No sound directs my way

Drowning in this wreckage
No light above to shine
Such utter desperation
No longer am I fine

Drowning in this wreckage
The dark and evil swells
Grasping, I am lost
Drifting into my hell

Drowning in this wreckage

For me both ways were ok... yes,  it maybe could've held more impact if it were free verse, but the way you inked it (either way)
was fine by me :)

Thank you kindly:)

I think the revision is much clearer regarding the impact, mel.  It's the difference between being tossed about with wreckage (not knowing what or which direction to grasp), or being sucked under by the sea along with the wreckage, as though you were a part of it, thus resolved to your fate.

It's endearing in its defeat; however, seeing as it ends in drowning and not drowned, there is still that slither of hope the reader walks away with.

this is very deep. FANTASTIC JOB!