I'm just barely living

I can't help it
I can't stop it
I'm doing it to myself
I push everyone away
Just so I can die alone
I wouldn't put up with myself if I had the choice
I hate how I'm becoming
I've changed
But not for the best
And not for the worst
I've moved on from somethings
Some I don't even want to admit it's happen
For the past few years I've been depressed
But I act like it's all fine
But it's killing me
The fact I can't live a day without lyin to myself that I'm ok
Or it's getting better
But if life is such a bitch what is death
I welcome dying
I'm ready for it
No I am not goin to kill my self
But I'm not afraid of it
I'm afraid of living
I'm afraid of being rejected(even though it will happen)
I'm afraid everyone is goin to wake up one day and realize they don't need or want me
I'm afraid of my own mind
I've tried to open up to people
But they always judge me the hardest and when I finally tell someone something that is a big deal they make me feel like shit about it
I can't deal with this anymore I'm not living I'm just staying alive
I don't have love.. or happiness.. or bright colors in my lif anymore
I have sad dark gloomy clouds everyday all day
I've fallen down a black whole never seeming to get out
You see I've already died
But I'm just barely staying alive
I'm just tired of it all
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired of not sleeping at night
I'm tired of being used
I'm tired of being said
I'm just tired and done m
I'm tired of barely staying alive
I want someone to light the flame under my ass again
I want that spark I had
The one that made everything better.
But I'm just here
Barely staying alive
      Barely
              Staying
                       Alive