HIV / AIDS  (1991)

 
 
at times  
like now  
when i  
look down  
at my  
struggling body  
or here in  
this mirror  
where  
im presently  
staring right  
back out  
at me  
i see  
my face  
and skin  
among  
other things  
and find  
it very  
difficult  
to feel  
at ease  
these days  
as inside  
i dead end  
wonder why  
and outside  
at times  
release  
suppressed  
into a  
whisper  
accumulated  
screams  
of off center  
words  
like these  
for this disease  
is something  
else  
so much more  
than all  
its facts  
and history  
and all  
the varied  
ways  
of futilely  
coping  
with it  
in fear  
and doubt
with any  
true dignity  
and hope
still left
in tact
at all
emotions that  
evolve  arise  
erupt  then  
briefly stabilize  
only to  
erupt again  
so unexpectedly  
beyond  
the threadbare
thresholds  
of self discipline  
of medicine
of understanding  
and sanity  
where all  
logic and  
conventional  
wisdom too  
frequently explode  
and implode
only to  
evaporate  
back into  
the deeper
primordial flow  
of a darker  
insanity  
not far  
from here  
i could taste  
it in  
the cracks  
i previsualized  
in the mirror  
as i  
struck out  
in yet another
desperate moment  
of so much  
impotent fear  
though only  
a feeble
whisper blow  
no glass  
set free  
in little  
broken pieces  
of me  
through my hands  
insufficient  
gesture  
restraint unclear  
even here  
in my  
non efficacious  
illiteracy  
juxtaposed  
before this  
ever deepening
cold  empty  silent
straight line
horizon
beckoning here
before me  
even so
i still  
strain to listen    
even more  
closely  
more clearly now  
at  into
and around
everything
for lifes sweet  
subtle lessons
its gifts  
and persecutions  
its beauty  
and illusions  
wearied and  
refreshed  
appreciated  
and confused  
drug down  
so far  
by my vile  
blood  
yet each new  
sunrise offers up
both surprise  
and hopeful hints  
another brief  
sweet  inner  
glimpse into  
and as to  
why
perhaps
beyond all my  
doubts
and fears  
unanswered prayers
that i am
yet
still here