BLACK NIGHT BLUE  (1989, 2:00a.m., Leucadia, California)

       
two a m          
and here          
i stand again          
at the center          
of this          
sleeping world          
with restless mind          
and limbs          
wrestling thoughts    
a tumblin         
in this still          
dead  silent          
late night kitchen          
like my prescient      
sentinel grave          
alert and open          
listening          
with ears          
and nerves          
gripping every sound          
and soundless          
stirring thing          
with two friends          
adrift in sleep          
in the        
next room          
on the floor          
and all the          
unworded wars          
which sound          
attention            
so distantly          
in my head          
as i steer          
at this          
late hour          
a darker          
inner course          
across the cold          
gray  misty          
battlefields          
of my lifes          
collective          
wounded feelings          
and my      
rapidly changing      
increasingly downward        
spiraling reality      
where i this          
tired  confused          
slow struggling          
being          
trudge  stumble          
crawl and crumble          
on and on          
and on          
it is the          
din of          
an old  relentless          
faded war          
i continue to          
walk away from          
or occasionally        
escape        
in my dreams      
yet seem to          
somehow          
reencounter          
almost anywhere          
i go  
on one level  
or another       
my stubbornly  
unknown         
unresolved karma          
i suppose          
driven by          
an old  cold          
wind            
shivering spineless          
child mindless          
up yet          
another          
dead end road          
where i          
usually          
suffer a spell          
until i eventually          
shed my shell          
then crawl          
to my feet          
to begin again          
cursing fate          
as i bury          
the weight          
of each experience  
i have  
and live  
back into deeper  
subconscious  
self suppression         
which i  
too often mistake          
as bad timing          
confusion or hell          
oh well this          
isnt the crux          
of why          
im still up          
at this hour          
its more          
the things  
i cant seem          
to say          
or see  
or find    
or be          
that tear          
my limbs off          
and defoliate          
the once          
more fully  
thriving me          
the me          
i know inside          
this heart          
this mind          
and spirit seed          
i am  
could be    
or at least          
once was          
now too long          
held under          
frozen ice          
predicaments          
of life          
while waiting          
and longing          
to be    
more fully alive  
growing          
and thriving  
joyously flourishing         
back out in          
the hopeful sun          
of radiant          
life again            
sprouting          
perennially  
evergreen          
in unified harmony  
with everything  
consciously perceived  
passionately lived       
as never before          
yet circumstance          
or fate          
seem to choose          
for me          
much too often          
these days          
of late          
either failure          
or near insanity          
time and time          
again          
as my          
presently          
conforming identity          
continues      
to transform      
into this       
frighteningly darker  
so called illusory    
temporal reality instead    
wherein i see  
and realize  
now          
ive somehow  
avoided facing          
the even          
colder deep          
thats kept          
me up
so futilely writing  
these purged up  
feelings and thoughts  
these shadow wounds  
arisen  released  
set free now    
at last  
from their shadowy  
long buried  
subconscious past  
excommunicated  
freely evicted  
relanguaged  
recommited  
to page  
and d u p  
internet screen  
drug out  
of darkness  
up into light  
of open disclosures  
unmasked exposure  
set free by  
their truth  
my truth  alone  
yet despite  
their liberating  
therapeutic  
healing purge  
there still remains  
more than    
a few more  
deeply suppressed  
subconsciously unknown  
still buried  
as yet unpurged  
dark shadow  
wounds  
inside me left  
still stubbornly  
clinging on  
potentially  
forever  
blocking me  
from reaching  
my full potential  
until and unless  
i can find  
some way  
to creatively  
release and purge  
them too  
through either  
transmuting    
their stuck  
subterranean energies  
into new art  
or new  
poems  
but presently here  
the catalyst  
to do so  
seems to remain  
yet another mystery  
for now  
even so  
the only thing  
i know  
for sure  
beyond this  
my flimsy assessment  
is that most  
of those          
disturbing truths  
still locked away  
suppressed inside  
me here      
are all those    
thoughts          
ive felt    
but could not  
speak          
too late          
too grim          
this ends evaded  
unliberated         
with so many          
of my          
originally felt          
feelings          
and thoughts          
far too elusive          
or so          
quickly faded          
the right words  
too seldom  
seem        
to come through          
so here          
i stand alone          
again tonight        
wide awake          
restless          
still largely lost        
in all this      
consumptive  
reflective relooping  
of my mystical  
magical  
relanguaging  
repeatedly flowing  
through  
this tuned in  
channelled stream  
appears to only  
leave me here  
right back  
where i began  
this spontaneous    
partial purge  
right back here  
still deeply stuck  
surrendering yet again  
here at nearly    
three a m  
back into  
the ever calling  
empty  
hollow  
darkness  
of yet another  
completely rudderless  
ever mysterious  
slowly passing  
tomb like
restless
black night
blue