deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Beach
Lapis lazuli across burnt butter rolls
the spheres of influence tug at their ropes
tossing green tendrils in the foamy ale
glass crushed and ground to salt
merry streaks shine down strongly
crisping the furry slabs that worship
coloured fans twirl brightly until ripped out by the roots
at the end of the glow.
the spheres of influence tug at their ropes
tossing green tendrils in the foamy ale
glass crushed and ground to salt
merry streaks shine down strongly
crisping the furry slabs that worship
coloured fans twirl brightly until ripped out by the roots
at the end of the glow.
Published 11th Feb 2017
| Edited 25th Aug 2017
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11th Feb 2017 10:42am
11th Feb 2017 3:59pm
11th Feb 2017 4:25pm
A beautiful little gem of imagery. This is how everyone should view a sunset, or analogy. :)
One suggestion:
coloured fans twirl brightly until ripped out at the roots
at the end of the glow.
I would subsitute 'by' for "at" the roots so there's no repitition of wording. Also, it adds some alliteration with the b sound in brightly.
Again, a little gem.
One suggestion:
coloured fans twirl brightly until ripped out at the roots
at the end of the glow.
I would subsitute 'by' for "at" the roots so there's no repitition of wording. Also, it adds some alliteration with the b sound in brightly.
Again, a little gem.
12th Feb 2017 2:31am
Thanks Ahavati for your encouragement and wise critique - I had actually thought to make that change when typing the poem in but decided just to stick to how I'd originally written it . . . however I will now make the adjustment :-)
21st Aug 2017 10:30pm
The use of color and imagery in this is delightful. I particularly liked your third stanza, which put a big grin on my face. Some really nice usage of alliteration, too.
"glass is crushed and ground to salt" — you could omit "is" from this line to make it a little crisper
This added some happy sun to my day. :-)
"glass is crushed and ground to salt" — you could omit "is" from this line to make it a little crisper
This added some happy sun to my day. :-)
25th Aug 2017 5:58am
Thank you so much! Really glad you enjoyed it - i was playing around with a different style to that which I usually write. Alliteration is my favourite! Cheers for the suggestion too! :-)
