deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sunk
Give me a bullet
For being so wrong,
So wrong thinking that
I'm invincible
And strong,
I never imagined my ship sinking,
Thought it was here where I belong.
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
No escape,
No way out,
I was wrong
Wanting to know
what that high was all about,
Thinking I was invincible,
Thinking I was strong.
For being so wrong,
So wrong thinking that
I'm invincible
And strong,
I never imagined my ship sinking,
Thought it was here where I belong.
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
No escape,
No way out,
I was wrong
Wanting to know
what that high was all about,
Thinking I was invincible,
Thinking I was strong.
Published 3rd Feb 2017
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comments 1
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Feb 2017 5:10am
deeeeep...! if i may ask (with no judgment of course) are you talking about heroin/opiates? You words certainly relate to my struggle with those devils.
I think this could use some minor revisions but i think you are on to something with this one. Here is a few small revisions i made that you can take with a grain of salt. first trying to structure your words into measures and bars may help the reader follow your flow even better so i broke up the spacing a bit. I also thought the lines about "being wrong" were powerful and kind of the heart of the poem, so i made that into a stand-alone line at the end of each bar. Then i just repeated the middle section you had because it felt like a chorus type vibe.. I ended up with (new words capitalized):
Give me a bullet TO MAKE ME GONE,
thinking that I'm invincible And strong,
never imagined my ship TO BE sinking,
Thought it was here where I belong...
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG!
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG
No escape- no way out,
thinking that I'm invincible And strong,
Wanting to know what that high was all about,
Thought it was here where I belong...
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG!
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG"
Obviously i still like the poem regardless of if you make these changes.. currently it has a very organic/freestyle type feel to it but i think there are advantages to structuring it a bit.
Of course.. the choice is yours!
<3
I think this could use some minor revisions but i think you are on to something with this one. Here is a few small revisions i made that you can take with a grain of salt. first trying to structure your words into measures and bars may help the reader follow your flow even better so i broke up the spacing a bit. I also thought the lines about "being wrong" were powerful and kind of the heart of the poem, so i made that into a stand-alone line at the end of each bar. Then i just repeated the middle section you had because it felt like a chorus type vibe.. I ended up with (new words capitalized):
Give me a bullet TO MAKE ME GONE,
thinking that I'm invincible And strong,
never imagined my ship TO BE sinking,
Thought it was here where I belong...
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG!
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG
No escape- no way out,
thinking that I'm invincible And strong,
Wanting to know what that high was all about,
Thought it was here where I belong...
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG!
The current so strong,
Can't swim back home.
It's been way too long
Since I fell off my throne.
NOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG"
Obviously i still like the poem regardless of if you make these changes.. currently it has a very organic/freestyle type feel to it but i think there are advantages to structuring it a bit.
Of course.. the choice is yours!
<3
