deepundergroundpoetry.com
Merry go round
Don't really mean to justify.
But everyone's HIGH.
Just a little peer pressure.
Im a average guy.
I dam sure, don't mean to.
Glorify
Metaphorically writing about
Just how cold.
This world we live a car-
nival of souls.
The price paid from my youth.
Now i'm old.
Yeah, looking back, back down.
Memory lane.
Enjoying rides,in this house,
Of pain.
It was about age ten, or so.
I ceased to grow.
I was smoking, laughing,
Like a clown.
The image in the, house.
Of mirrors.Me
On a Merry Go Round.
Going in circles, I did
not know.
For me, this ride was
Much to slow.
Must hop off, left.
Destitute.
Falling asleep, must
Substitute.
Then I found, a most color-
ful ride.
Lysergic acid, ride, ride, ride
Inexpensive, unreal it
seemed.
Very little money. Very
Little green.
Now in the house of pain.
There is a wheel we spin.
Sometimes all night,just to
win.
The rules were rough.but you
come up.
After u have spun.
Looking back at magic moun-
tain.
This price for, you and me.
To expensive,,,, way to much .
Riding.
This Merry Go Round.
TheO
But everyone's HIGH.
Just a little peer pressure.
Im a average guy.
I dam sure, don't mean to.
Glorify
Metaphorically writing about
Just how cold.
This world we live a car-
nival of souls.
The price paid from my youth.
Now i'm old.
Yeah, looking back, back down.
Memory lane.
Enjoying rides,in this house,
Of pain.
It was about age ten, or so.
I ceased to grow.
I was smoking, laughing,
Like a clown.
The image in the, house.
Of mirrors.Me
On a Merry Go Round.
Going in circles, I did
not know.
For me, this ride was
Much to slow.
Must hop off, left.
Destitute.
Falling asleep, must
Substitute.
Then I found, a most color-
ful ride.
Lysergic acid, ride, ride, ride
Inexpensive, unreal it
seemed.
Very little money. Very
Little green.
Now in the house of pain.
There is a wheel we spin.
Sometimes all night,just to
win.
The rules were rough.but you
come up.
After u have spun.
Looking back at magic moun-
tain.
This price for, you and me.
To expensive,,,, way to much .
Riding.
This Merry Go Round.
TheO
Published 12th Jan 2017
| Edited 27th Jan 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 8
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
12th Jan 2017 11:37am
Welcome to the wonderful world of poetry.
I am leaving you this message because you said you were new to poetry and I thought I would give you my opinion...
You definitely have some talent hidden inside you, but the way the poem is written, it makes it hard for me to take it in so easily. If you edited the poem and your other poems, I think they would look better and be easier to read. (Also, now your 6 line poem has become a page long.) You may not be able to do this, but if you can, I think you should consider it. If the reader has to think about where the paragraph ends, even for a split second, it distracts them from smoothly reading the poem and taking it in as you would like them too. If it is all written as it is now, it doesn't flow as smoothly as it could and to me it doesn't sink into my mind as easily as it could. This is just my opinion and you should write your poetry in your own style and present it in the way you think is right, but I think the poem could look better like this:
Merry Go Round
Life seemed fine, just an average guy;
Very little peer pressure, for everyone is high.
Did I justify, or perhaps glorify?
No, just stating the price paid, at this carnival of souls.
I found I paid from my youth, til I'm old.
Now through the house of pain, back down memories lane.
I found I first began, about the age of 10, this herbal remedy, when feeling low;
Though feeling better, I did not grow.
The next gateway seemed just as nice;
No moo-lah needed, just merchandise.
Moving too slow; no where to hide.
Must hop off this Merry Go Ride.
But far from over; left destitute.
Something missing; must substitute.
The cost too much, for this ride;
My wisdom finds lysergic acid diethylamide.
Now reality simpler; relax, just unwind.
Fooled once again...
This Merry Go Round...
Only illusion produced in the mind.
TheO
PS. I really like the poem. This is just my opinion and how I write my poems out. You should do whatever make you happy. Poetry is about finding your own way to write your thoughts and uploading them in the style you prefer. (Jump up, jump up and get down...)
I am leaving you this message because you said you were new to poetry and I thought I would give you my opinion...
You definitely have some talent hidden inside you, but the way the poem is written, it makes it hard for me to take it in so easily. If you edited the poem and your other poems, I think they would look better and be easier to read. (Also, now your 6 line poem has become a page long.) You may not be able to do this, but if you can, I think you should consider it. If the reader has to think about where the paragraph ends, even for a split second, it distracts them from smoothly reading the poem and taking it in as you would like them too. If it is all written as it is now, it doesn't flow as smoothly as it could and to me it doesn't sink into my mind as easily as it could. This is just my opinion and you should write your poetry in your own style and present it in the way you think is right, but I think the poem could look better like this:
Merry Go Round
Life seemed fine, just an average guy;
Very little peer pressure, for everyone is high.
Did I justify, or perhaps glorify?
No, just stating the price paid, at this carnival of souls.
I found I paid from my youth, til I'm old.
Now through the house of pain, back down memories lane.
I found I first began, about the age of 10, this herbal remedy, when feeling low;
Though feeling better, I did not grow.
The next gateway seemed just as nice;
No moo-lah needed, just merchandise.
Moving too slow; no where to hide.
Must hop off this Merry Go Ride.
But far from over; left destitute.
Something missing; must substitute.
The cost too much, for this ride;
My wisdom finds lysergic acid diethylamide.
Now reality simpler; relax, just unwind.
Fooled once again...
This Merry Go Round...
Only illusion produced in the mind.
TheO
PS. I really like the poem. This is just my opinion and how I write my poems out. You should do whatever make you happy. Poetry is about finding your own way to write your thoughts and uploading them in the style you prefer. (Jump up, jump up and get down...)
Thankyou appreciate your opinon I dididnt know how to operate buttons I think I have it now.I may try other areas of poetry also
Besides, we all have these aspects of
Life botteled up inside
TheO
Besides, we all have these aspects of
Life botteled up inside
TheO
13th Jan 2017 7:10pm
This has got brillainy substance and plenty of food for though, and I like the title, got some good home truths packed in there as well, nice writing :)
14th Jan 2017 1:50am
14th Jan 2017 9:19am
14th Jan 2017 12:21pm
It is a good poem so it still retains its substance and truth.
Be true to yourself and you will be fine.
I think the poem now, looks better than it did originally.
Be true to yourself and you will be fine.
I think the poem now, looks better than it did originally.
10th May 2019 00:18am
3rd Feb 2017 5:30am
Ps would like some feedback on other poems if possible would like to know how to find your poems.TheO
