Rants from my Acid Trip

I asked my mom to give me a pet, so why is she touching my leg?
I bake cookies, but instead of flour, I use cocaine like a man.
When I see a fat man with breasts, I can’t help but stare at his nipples.
You can take a piss and not poop, but you can’t poop and not take a piss.
I almost cried during the Notebook, but coughed and yelled testosterone.
My son and I played tic-tac-toe. The pen was blood and canvas my wrist.
I know in an airport I can’t yell bomb, so I’ll just mention it here.
Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Jesus.  Jesus who?  Hi. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I’m getting YOLO tattooed on my butt because You Only Lick Once.
On a scale from one to ten how many pickles can fit in my nose?
As that one saying goes, you are what you eat. So I am a baby.
I'd like to say that I'm pretty pro choice. You can be gay if you want.