In Here Somewhere

i know my heart is in here somewhere
it's buried so deep in my chest that i cannot find it
i tried moving forward without it
but the past comes back and i find myself rewinding...
i find myself being timeless
aging yet not learning the lessons that come with it
all these levels and stages i never move up
just constantly descending...
is this what it comes down to
is this how it must be with me
losing track of the things
that lie within me..
where is that heart i had
where'd all that common sense go
how did my constant defense of my character
become "i don't care" and "so"
i guess this is what it comes down to
all i'll amount to
talking to myself like
i thought i already found you...
exhalation
breathing deeply yet i feel no relief
trying to recollect
a feeling of ease..
last time i could just live without feeling a strain...
when i could just live...
without hating everything i became...
living under lies
denying all the truths
through all the pain i've endured
i've caused myself the most abuse...
a mess of a soul
that was once so amazing
a mess of a soul
that lives a life so crazy
vision so hazy
took a xan
now i'm on to two
playing games amongst myself
playing the role of the clown and the fool...
the things that we do
out of being naïve and ignorant
it's like on those late nights
God be like i got some shit to hit you with
i feel so heavy
weight of the world lies on my back
used to call myself the porcelain barbie
grew so weary, the porcelain cracked
nothing beautiful about it
only connection i have to anyone is through this writing
i learned that i haven't been living
just barely surviving...