from the night of december 5

the pitch and rock of the bus reverberate through my veins
and if all i want is to sit beside you while the rain outside comes down in sheets
then so be it
would you like me to untie the ribbon around my heart
so that you may crawl in and zip yourself up there?
should you like to make a pot of tea from the pantry of my arteries?
if all i didn’t want was to taste your lingering kiss that you refused my forehead on the last dregs of your drink that i took with your blue pill
if the bizarre taste of your saliva mixes with my metal-ridden teeth
if all i want is to see your phone light up with my message
then so be it
i had assumed at any moment before i had lost all attachment
i had gutted myself and torn apart the butterflies, wing by wing
you take me into your seat and ask me if i should want to lay down
so like a helpless child i unfold my body against you and cling, cling, cling, cling
you wrap your arms into my thick coat and stroke my hair with the gentleness of a mother
comforting her screaming baby in the dead of night
whose pacifier had fallen from her mouth
the lightning cracks and blazes over the black corduroy sweater
the wind outside screams and howls like a maiden
whose lover is to be pried from her
against your body i tense up and you hold me tighter
i take in your chocolatey scent and allow you to poison me again
no one told me that the road home would be easy
but you took me back to a euphoria in which i lived and loved
i could never truly love again after your precursor
i was torn at the seams by his clutching claws
and here we are now, against each other
you’re the one who told me you could never love me
you told me you could never find my inner beauty
but in all truth and sheer honesty
the fear of my mother finding my wine and sleeping pills takes me by the shoulders
mother knows best and devil knows all
my nerves break my collarbones and strike my eyes
the peace i feel is more than peace, it is bliss and nirvana herself
a snicker from in front of us rattles me, my blue boy
with your bruised soul and broken heart you comfort me to mend our bloodlines
the giggle that comes from the plastic-faced girl brings out a scowl in me
oh, but i close my eyes tightly and dream, dream
comfort me and clutch me in my unsteady moments such as this one
mystery, you tell me, sultry, you tell me
perusing person over a plied persimmon dream
warmth of apologies and forgiveness washes over our bitter conversations
and despite all the loss you come back
despite the fact we ignored each other for so long
i ask for your secrets and i ask for the buzz of your heart
the cold window against my wrists causes me to shiver
and of this tick you make note and hold me closer
like a pocket watch i tick and tremble and you softly stroke my sweater
i sit up for just a moment to remove my coat so that we can be closer
you remove my yellow woollen hat and nuzzle your chin against my hair
i notice that through your nostrils you inhale
you say nothing and i say nothing
the fine layer of sweat on my forehead mingles with your cheek and my heart picks up
running, running, perspiring, freezing over
what are you thinking of, meu carinho?
am i allowed to call you that?
your face is stone-cold and lonely
the bus slows and approaches the end of the bridge and my world crumbles
you tap my back ever so gently and run your hand against each individual bone
i raise my eyes to yours and lift my head
i want to take you in my arms for a last time but the lights of the bus illuminate and burn me