Wallpaper

I talk to walls. They hold me up.
I learned how to build them too. But these ones that I talk to, they listen. And they inspire me with their strength.
I know if I crumbled they would brace me without judgment.
So I just talk.

Hello Wall,
It's funny how I seek you out to bounce thoughts off of you, yet crave not for my heart to echo.

I wonder what it's like to go through life not caring about anyone or anything but one's self. The idea appeals to me because it seems easier, freer in a sense. You can still have good enough friends and decent associations to benefit only you, and don't have to worry about benefiting them. As long as you give just enough you'll be fine, or make sure to be around people as careless as you. You won't care about making them feel good because you choose not to feel, and you never consider their feelings because you've disassociated so much that the thought doesn't ever cross your mind. So this allows you to hurt people without worry too, like a human drone. It truly seems amazing. And like it would be a happier life to live.

I know I could flip the emotional switch and become that, but the problem is that it's just not in my character. It honestly doesn't feel right to me. I feel like living under that degree of wrongness would make me incredibly unhappy, and I want to live a life that is emotionally fulfilling. I think it's only a good idea if I really wanted to end it all. I could become everything I despise and am against and make me hate myself. It'd be a good way to trick myself into doing it for the good of everyone else. And that's really all you need is good justification. It would suck though, because these qualities within myself, my empathy, love and compassion are things that I personally value about me. I know it's only ever been appreciated by a select few, but I appreciate it. So that's going to suck to have to undo some core parts of me and also the personal growth that I've been proud to achieve. I'll have to ruin it all to the point where I see very little hope of solution. Ugh. An exhausting effort that I'd convince myself is worth taking if it were necessary.

I most often exist in a state of conflict, loving and hating myself for my heartfelt qualities. Loving myself because they are rare and beautiful, and I'm proud that with all I've been through they still stand and that I nourished them so that they grew. I knew who I didn't want to be, so decided who I wanted to be and made it happen for the most part, and am still a work in progress. But I hate myself for it because I sprinkle pieces of me in places where it's not wanted thus not valued. And also because I crave deep connection and feel heavy disappointment when seeing how unreachable it is in this world of surface conversation, materialism, insincerity and lack of care for others. The depth in my heart is both a strength and a weakness. It's fucked. It doesn't seem normal. Shouldn't it be one or the other? For a start.

I know my deep desires aren't essentials. I know what I can live without and that I am capable of surviving just to survive. I just don't see the point in doing it just to do it for years on end. If I ever found my true purpose I wonder if that would provide enough incentive to press on till the end. Or would it only work for the moment and fade after discovery was complete? I suppose the answer lies in how emotionally connected to it I felt, what impact and imprint it made on my soul, and what I could do with those imprints. If effective contributions to humanity on even a small scale would provide ingredients to suppress those wants so far back that I almost forget they ever existed. Like an overwrite and replace. If I don't realize I'm not entirely happy then I'll be happy in theory, because I will feel gratitude that I have the ability to do what I want to do. The good thing is, gratitude is something that comes to me very easily when I love what I'm surrounded in.

Gratitude is a serious key to happiness in my opinion. But you have to value experiences or what you have to feel gratitude, and you have to keep doing it to keep the gratitude river flowing. Those are the only waters where it's safe to swim in as well as drown. Some of us are fortunate enough to find gratitude for certain people, few are lucky to experience a mutual gift of giving and receiving intertwined with love, others have to find different ways to feel it. Being appreciated is indeed one of the best feelings, it is my personal second fave to love, so I hope I can at least have a life of that. I don't think both is realistic lol.

I've known that I am different since a young age. There are some obvious things that make me different, and I can deal with those. But this emotional one is one of my greatest struggles. It gets really difficult to find meaning in existence when most of what exists around you is the opposite of what you are. I have often questioned if this world is really meant for someone like me. I feel only connected to certain parts of it. I get tired of fighting to grasp those things. I want to just lay safely and rest, where I can grow and feed off inspiration and support plus feed it back, but with security comes danger because one flaw, one moment could shred it to bits. Humans only embrace specific types of humans that fit preset standards. So what purpose do I have? And what real chance do I have at finding it? If I am going to exist then why can't I in a way that is useful where I get to feel confident in my usefulness being valued on a consistent basis?

But if I let go of life, I could lay safely and rest. There would be no yearning for stability and consistency. There would be no dying to connect with things that make you feel alive in a world where they are mostly dead. The emptiness would embrace me as I'd be at one with the emptiness. I'd be valued for simply joining it.

These thoughts don't scare me, in fact they don't even concern me. They're nothing new and I've had them a few times over the years. I have no current plans for action and any plans for such would be in the very distant future. These thoughts have in a way given me the tools I need to prep for it should I truly decide, as in I have an idea of aspects of the process I'd take, which I'm not going to discuss. They also just allow me to release the darker emotions that exist in me just like they do in all of us. Tonight is just one of those nights where it's going through my head because I'm feelin' it strong. I'm also feeling very disconnected. From observations it seems like the easy fix would be to just shut everything off as mentioned earlier. It's just too bad that the result of would be so complicated at least as it applies to me. Frustrating.

Oh Wall
You said you were in need of decoration. I apologize for only knowing how to construct from raw material.
Not the wallpaper you were hoping for, I'm sure.
I might tear this down in the morning and try something more flowery.
I was only trying to cover you how you cover me.