deepundergroundpoetry.com
Scars
I beg for someone to erase my scars
Broken spirit and lacerated heart
I sit inside my own head
Sometimes wishing I was dead
I force myself to smile each day
Constantly wishing the pain away
Trapped, bound to this world to stay
I find myself feeling my scars
Staring into the sky
wishing to be with the stars
I sit here and think to myself
If only I was somebody else
Broken spirit and lacerated heart
I sit inside my own head
Sometimes wishing I was dead
I force myself to smile each day
Constantly wishing the pain away
Trapped, bound to this world to stay
I find myself feeling my scars
Staring into the sky
wishing to be with the stars
I sit here and think to myself
If only I was somebody else
Published 5th Dec 2016
| Edited 6th Dec 2016
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Anonymous
- Edited 6th Dec 2016 00:10am
6th Dec 2016 00:09am
1] Remove "pleading and" from Line 6 and see if the momentum improves to you.
2] I suggest splitting Line 9 into two lines
"Staring off into the sky
Wishing to be with the stars"
3] Line 11 would read better as "If only I was somebody else" . Why? You've already used the word "wishing" three times.
4] EdgarAllanPoetry is an awesome username!
2] I suggest splitting Line 9 into two lines
"Staring off into the sky
Wishing to be with the stars"
3] Line 11 would read better as "If only I was somebody else" . Why? You've already used the word "wishing" three times.
4] EdgarAllanPoetry is an awesome username!
6th Dec 2016 1:32am
Thank you so much, I changed everything you suggested and it sounds much better. And thank you for the username compliment i appreciate it!
First, I really like this! I can sense your dis-ease and can appreciate! Just some feedback based on how I write (Which is not professionally) but everyone has their own style. Take away what you wish. Honestly, great feeling in this.
(I beg for someone) to erase my scars - maybe try begging in place of I beg for someone
Broken spirit and lacerated heart - replace and with a , - Broken spirit, lacerated heart (I think it still flows)
I sit inside my own head - I assemble in my head (as sit implies boredom to me)
Sometimes wishing, I was dead - add comma for pause
I force myself to smile each day - I force a smile, on each day
Constantly wishing the pain away - maybe add comma and remove and
Trapped, bound, to this world to stay - Add comma for pause
I find myself feeling my scars
Staring into the sky
- What about ....Feeling my scars
Staring at sky
The change in rhythm sounds nice
(wishing) to be (with) the stars - craving and among???
I (sit) here and (think) to myself - rest and thinking might work better (But remove and)
If only I, was (somebody) else - add comma for pause and maybe someone instead
My feedback is only on form and are just thoughts...the emotion in this is fantastic! Thank you for sharing.
(I beg for someone) to erase my scars - maybe try begging in place of I beg for someone
Broken spirit and lacerated heart - replace and with a , - Broken spirit, lacerated heart (I think it still flows)
I sit inside my own head - I assemble in my head (as sit implies boredom to me)
Sometimes wishing, I was dead - add comma for pause
I force myself to smile each day - I force a smile, on each day
Constantly wishing the pain away - maybe add comma and remove and
Trapped, bound, to this world to stay - Add comma for pause
I find myself feeling my scars
Staring into the sky
- What about ....Feeling my scars
Staring at sky
The change in rhythm sounds nice
(wishing) to be (with) the stars - craving and among???
I (sit) here and (think) to myself - rest and thinking might work better (But remove and)
If only I, was (somebody) else - add comma for pause and maybe someone instead
My feedback is only on form and are just thoughts...the emotion in this is fantastic! Thank you for sharing.
