deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sail away
How I wish, that I could
Sail away
Leave the port on a hot
Sunny day
And the breeze helps relieve
Memory
As I drift out onto an endless see
How I wish that I could
Sail on the moon
Be far from the things
That make me blue
Not a care, no fear
As I gasp for air
Okay I'm free, simplicity
And I see you over there
But there's something in the way
I would love to sail away
But there's something in the way
Sail away
Leave the port on a hot
Sunny day
And the breeze helps relieve
Memory
As I drift out onto an endless see
How I wish that I could
Sail on the moon
Be far from the things
That make me blue
Not a care, no fear
As I gasp for air
Okay I'm free, simplicity
And I see you over there
But there's something in the way
I would love to sail away
But there's something in the way
Published 2nd Dec 2016
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 928
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Dec 2016 11:13pm
I enjoyed this read wingless42 and the feeling of longing it emits...
I'd like to suggest that you don't need the following words...
'that' in the 1st and 2nd stanzas on the 1st line
'okay' in the 2nd stanza
'and' in the 1st stanza 5th line
An 'ancient' poet once said you need to cull unnecessary words like 'and, the, that' in your poems.
Am not sure if 'see', last line 1st stanza is a play on 'seeing things' or misspelling of the word 'sea'...
Once again I enjoyed the read... :-)
I'd like to suggest that you don't need the following words...
'that' in the 1st and 2nd stanzas on the 1st line
'okay' in the 2nd stanza
'and' in the 1st stanza 5th line
An 'ancient' poet once said you need to cull unnecessary words like 'and, the, that' in your poems.
Am not sure if 'see', last line 1st stanza is a play on 'seeing things' or misspelling of the word 'sea'...
Once again I enjoyed the read... :-)
Thank you very much for reading
I believe the most unnecessary words mean the most. I takes all shapes and sizes to make up mankind.
Thanks for the catch it is supposed to be sea
I believe the most unnecessary words mean the most. I takes all shapes and sizes to make up mankind.
Thanks for the catch it is supposed to be sea
Anonymous
6th Dec 2016 1:20am
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