Paranoid

When my teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I answered "I want to be dead" and the class would laugh while I smiled.
They never took me seriously because I was just a child,
I was small, I seemed innocent, I have blue eyes.
My genes have nothing to do with my curse,
although, my doctors think it is family-related.
I feel rather paranoid in the sense that I don't really trust my doctors,
I trust that they know what they're talking about, I don't doubt their education.
You can't learn about something that has never existed before and yeah,
maybe I have similar symptoms as those people with this generalized bipolar disorder,
but I am NOT those people.
I take 8 pills every day, just so I can make it another one without thinking about how much I want to die,
That is a success because I am still alive, that is a check mark in their book,
because I'm even lying to my psychiatrist.
I'm scared. I'm fearful of what could happen if we start experimenting with different medicines.
I'm worried that I'll never get out of this hole and I can only dig myself deeper.
I am anxious about when I will not be able to hold a career, about the moments when people ask me how my business is doing.
"it's going good," I'll say. Realistically, the only reason business is booming is because I haven't had a customer in weeks.
I live in a basement where I have WiFi, but no service. I can't get phone calls so I have a reason to ignore you now,
I can tell you that I really wanted to see you. I didn't.
It isn't personal, I just don't want to even see myself.
I dream about breaking mirrors and punching holes through walls,
I have nightmares about going out in public and having fun.
I hide my eyes from the sun and I wake up at night.
I close my eyes so I can see and I walk when I'm in a rush,
do not push me because I will fall and I will like it.
When you're in pain, people notice.
When you're in emotional pain, it's mistaken for temporary sadness;
people still notice, but the average attention span for a human is not long enough to satisfy my depression.
I have no sex drive so please just satisfy my depression;
hold me when I'm shaking,
touch me when I'm cold,
be there when I open my eyes mid-afternoon.
Just please, whatever you do, don't tell me it's going to be alright
because I know it isn't going to be alright, and I don't need it to be alright.
I just need you.