5: 80:  Wounded By Love

Excerpt 80 from Journal 5, 'Reaching My True Love'
  -From 'Journals To My True Love, Part 2'

My Love, love disappointments are like wounds
  that heal poorly with excessive scar tissue, they
  slow us down and weaken us...
We tolerate this never wanting to face the
  difficult truth; that they must be reopened and
  repaired to heal correctly...
The scar tissue is the self-doubt that plagues us and
  leads us to believe we are unlovable...
It follows our every move and records our feelings
  like a cruel and calculating machine...
It imprisons us with a false promise to keep us from
  worse harm, but this is an illusion...
We think through all this that the scars make us
  stronger, that they are proof of our endurance,
  but this is false; they sap our strength and slow
  us down preventing our growth...
Like the knife which made the first incision, our
  own doubts are never forgotten or relinquished...
We never stop hating and loathing this memory...
The scar never ceases to twist and sear the nerves
  it entraps and encases as we try to go forward...
This false circle of logic becomes part of who we
  are and continue to try to become in an attempt
  to drown our our fear...
We know it is there; that fear but we close the
  door to it and avoid it like a cluttered closet
  full of old, worn out things we don't need...
It is only in the worst, darkest, loneliest moments that
  we begin to entertain this blaring truth; I must be
  slashed open once again to release this damage...
I have created my own isolation even as it was
  imposed on me simultaneously...
I must open the door to my fears and look inside...
I must cope with the disarray that has existed there
  since I was young and vulnerable to rejection...
I must realize that the origins of it will never truly
  make sense or be vindicated completely...
My ideal of True Love is that origin; I want to
  be reunited with the ones I once loved and
  idealized so unconditionally and hopefully even
  through abuse or neglect...
For all of them exist in this fleeting vision of My
  True Love; he is all the love and acceptance
  I never had reciprocated even in my fleeting
  and scanty awareness of him...
In my mind, I place him on a pedestal onto which
  I want to aspire to land as well...
I want to fly free and high to achieve maximum
  vision to prove that I can, yet in my deepest
  desires I want to land where I originated...
I want to return like a homing bird which flies on a
  seemingly endless journey before finally landing...
I want to face the unknown so I can master it to
  become fully evolved and strong in spirit...
I must embrace this mystery that I call My True Love;
  the pain of unknowing is the reopening of the scar...
In this mystery will I see revealed the reasons why
  I was rejected; I only thought it was my fault...
I lived inside this lie by my own design that I have
  failed to freed from the torment...
I was just never shown the way until I bravely
  took the hand of my nebulous True Love and
  allowed him to walk beside me even in spirit...
In the embracing of this unknown I created a known;
  yes, I am worthy of love and open to it...