Down the Rabbit Hole

My mind hurts; my body hurts.
I am in a strange unseen hole
      full of clothes, music, and Chinese food.
My bed is wet with dreams; dreams of forced sleep.
My trash is abounding, its smell
      held tightly inside vanilla trash bags.

This hole makes up my world;
I don’t want to leave
I want to sleep but my body won’t let me.
I could take a pill
     but that would lead me down,
           down a terrible road.

I know that road well, that road and my mind
     became entranced with words and sex
     until I broke, fell to the ground screaming and
     holding tightly to a rag,
not for protection but to rip it apart,
to make it, it, it Bleed!
And then a calm after the storm,
then a raging wind…

I live in my hole and no one is allowed in anymore.
No men shall taint my bed
     and my life will be more than a dream
           a dream of my dreams;
I want to wake up in a rabbit’s nest
     and eat sweet eggs and dance on broken shells.
The rabbit will laugh, and then kill me.

I’ve died before, over & over again.
I always wake up and cry.
I want to stay at least in an endless sleep
     Dreams or no dreams.
I want to sleep!!
I alone know where to find me,
     though I beg you to try.