Tw: Lilacs

 It was a beautiful day  
And the lilacs were blooming
In early May
 
Lovely lilacs, the flowers mom loved best
We took the loveliest branches  
And left the rest  
 
Oh how happy she will be!
Because a house full of lilacs  
Is what she will see
 
We couldn't get lilacs that day
The closest we could find were candles  
To cover the scent of death
Everyone is crying  
Why am I not?  
Why am I so numb?
She looks like she could be sleeping
I smell lilacs as I touch her hand
 
Ice cold
Just like she should have been in the ER
She needs to be iced to save her brain
She needs to be chilled to stillness
But she is shivering  
She is left shivering for hours  
While we await a shift change so someone will take her from the ER  
We say nothing  
We want to trust the doctors but  
 
They are so calm
My mother is dying  
How can these paramedics move so slowly?
She isn't breathing  
Why is there foam dribbling from her mouth?
I don't understand
 
This can't be real
I say as I hear a thud and go back to sleep  
This is a dream I tell myself
I scream in my head because it is not
I could have saved her!
I could have saved her!
I could have saved her!
 
I swallow these thoughts  
It doesn't matter if it's true  
Because my guilt still grows
And it looks like a lilac in bloom  
Those Purple Devils laugh and whisper
She's dead
She's dead  
She's dead
I never want to see them again  
                              
But
 
She smiled  
 Looking around her home  
 Lilac filled, with air mild
 
Returning from a week of business
She hugged me and dad  
And said she missed us
 
In that moment all was well
We were a full family  
I looked upon the tree and my heart swell
 
My father was right
He said it best  
I'm torn between never wanting to see another lilac again  
And just filling every day of my life with them