The Lower Limb Double Amputee Song

I‘d put my best foot forward
But I haven’t got a foot

I’d walk a mile in your shoes had I feet
But I can’t fit your shoes on the bloody stumps

Somebody told me I had crow’s feet
And I though ‘Fuck!, if only’

I’d keep both feet on the ground
But unfortunately I don’t have either

I’d like to stand on my own two feet
But they were left in the hospital incinerator

Thank fuck I don’t have to vote with my feet
That way the other guy would get elected

You can’t pull the rug from under my feet
Still my wheelchair can cause serious rucking

Some people have two left feet
I have no left feet or right feet for that matter

I will never hear the patter of tiny feet
Well, certainly now, Not my own

I can’t get rushed or swept off my feet
I am just gonna let the grass grow under my stumps

I’m gonna teach myself to walk on my stumps
They already look like elephants trunks

Some day I am hoping to find my feet
Is there a grave yard for dead feet?

When I die, will they put me six feet under?
Or will they subtract the two I’ve lost?

I don’t have one foot in the grave
They’re both already there