The State of Things

*this is came from train of thought.  intended to be read as a performed spoken word*

I have been stirred
Content with how things were I went on just as I was
Going from moment to moment, making plans
I felt as if my head was down, not seeing things around me, not knowing
My inner voice would try to speak but I’d pack it down so far in the dark
All I could hear was a soft echo
I felt fine

In an unexpected turn I tried to put pen to paper and try my hand
Words were a medium I had played in but they were always someone else’s
Writers, authors, playwrights, singers, and songwriters had lent me their voices
Shared their joy, bled their pain, drank their sorrow
But it was never mine; I had never tried
I almost didn’t know what I had to say

All I needed was a word
One word became five
Five became fifty and soon I couldn’t help but ramble
I’d speak to relive my mind of anger and frustration
Stories that I carried for years were made real
I could envision people coming together and what would transpire
Words, touch, passion, love, rejection, it all came out

I have been stirred
In putting these emotions in the world I had to bring them through the filter of my heart
My inner voice found his speech and he had plenty of time to think what he wanted to say
Diving headfirst into a sea of emotion that I could only tread through before was more than I was ready for
I heard songs that had played forever in my ears as if for the first time
Art and color sprang out of everything around me
Moved by nothing else than what I could empathize with it became overwhelming

I began to see the truths of myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge
Being passive and accommodating was no longer acceptable
I was hurt, angry, moved to tears, excited, happy
All.  At. Once.
I wanted to cry for realization that I had missed out on so much
I could have felt this way for years
My biggest problem with others was that they didn’t feel, couldn’t emote, didn’t want to express or reveal to others what they really felt
I saw myself in them
I could manufacture something if I needed to but it was still false
Now that I’ve begun the floodgates cannot be shut
I don’t want them to be shut
I can’t go back
I want to hurt, bleed, sing, dance, fight, love
Things taste too good to go back to being bland
Things feel too good to just pass them by
I’ve become an addict to my own heart and I need to get high all the time

I am a new version of myself I do not quite know
I learn more every day
The shadow is gone
There is bright light, immense color, and endless darkness in me; I embrace it all
One day I will be able to be my new self to the rest of the world
Show this passion to others, unashamed
How or when, I don’t know
I’ll figure it out as I go