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Untitled
She sits and waits
Waits for me to look at her
To understand her,
To feel her pain and loneliness
To see the hurt within her eyes
She is ashamed and hides her face from the world.
But do I see her,
Do I see beyond the pathetic state she is
Do I see who she really is
I turn away, ashamed of her existence
Why she cries out loud to me
Why she sobs and crumbles before me
Why, her words so quiet and haunting
Look at me
Look at me and see who I am
Look at me and free what you can
I close my eyes and drown out her cries
She sit and waits
Waits for me to look at her
Waits for me to look at her
To understand her,
To feel her pain and loneliness
To see the hurt within her eyes
She is ashamed and hides her face from the world.
But do I see her,
Do I see beyond the pathetic state she is
Do I see who she really is
I turn away, ashamed of her existence
Why she cries out loud to me
Why she sobs and crumbles before me
Why, her words so quiet and haunting
Look at me
Look at me and see who I am
Look at me and free what you can
I close my eyes and drown out her cries
She sit and waits
Waits for me to look at her
Published 10th Sep 2016
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The author encourages honest critique.
10th Sep 2016 1:05pm
12th Sep 2016 2:39pm
Ahh the melancholy.
Welcome to the underground.
I like your style, your piece invokes thought.
There are a few constructive points I have for you on this, in the hope they help you flourish and grow here.
1) Your narrator refers to "her" and "she" but never ever extends the reader the oportunity the understanding of who she is.
2) your discussion with the reader swaps from statements to questions a few times but it's a little confusing. Perhaps punctuating the questions will make it less bumpy.
3) In this piece if you broke your ideas into stanzas you might find it flows better.
But all in all a great write and "her" melancholy and confusion is very evident. Nice stuff! Thanks for the read.
Blue skies
Al xxx
Welcome to the underground.
I like your style, your piece invokes thought.
There are a few constructive points I have for you on this, in the hope they help you flourish and grow here.
1) Your narrator refers to "her" and "she" but never ever extends the reader the oportunity the understanding of who she is.
2) your discussion with the reader swaps from statements to questions a few times but it's a little confusing. Perhaps punctuating the questions will make it less bumpy.
3) In this piece if you broke your ideas into stanzas you might find it flows better.
But all in all a great write and "her" melancholy and confusion is very evident. Nice stuff! Thanks for the read.
Blue skies
Al xxx
13th Sep 2016 7:18am
Hullo and welcome
I think Al made some valid points. stanzas are hard workers, they bring lots of different things to poems.
there is of course the chance 'she' is you, in which case it was handy enough to understand
either way, it's a fine start to your endeavours. enjoy your stay
I think Al made some valid points. stanzas are hard workers, they bring lots of different things to poems.
there is of course the chance 'she' is you, in which case it was handy enough to understand
either way, it's a fine start to your endeavours. enjoy your stay
13th Sep 2016 1:19pm
Yes. Self reflection. It a poem on how we judge our own selves. We are more judgemental, most unforgiving of ourselves. And sadly many people will never acknowledge that and carry that self loathing, self sabotage until the day we die.
