I Don't Remember The Last Time You Smiled

That's what my cousin told me
As we sipped our hot drinks
We paid far too much for
"You have always had this saddness,
A darkness in your heart that you fight"
She half smiled at this for so did she
"When we were kids, you protected us
From the beatings, the punishments
And I never could figure out why"
I quietly sat in my seat and stirred my tea
I didn't know what to say until I spoke
"I was always the bad one...
Always told that at least... I guess...
I knew I could handle the pain handed out
But now as I get older, my heart doesn't
Heal as fast as it once did, but I'd rather hurt
Then sit by and let someone else take it"
She stared at me, shocked at what I said
She took a sip of her cooling coffee,
Her lovely face contorted into a frown
I wish I could explain to her how much I despised myself
For the price I paid protecting her and the others
How dealing with this constant hurt
Was killing me more each and every day
I wish I knew the words to express just how much
I remember even though I claim that
The drugs had ripped holes in my brain
That the memories had been eaten away
I wish I could give her my broken heart just for a day
So that she could live my pain and understand
Just how much I protected her and the others
But she'll never know or understand
"I'm always here for you,  if you ever want to talk"
She says, finishing her now cold coffee
I smile at her and thank her for the offer
I reassured her that I was doing fine
And in that moment in time I was fine
I just wish she knew what happened when the lights went off