Sophie Confessional (1)

©vessa07DUP2016  
All Rights Reserved  

The fridge light irritates my eyes as I stand in the cold doorway seeking snack inspiration and the phone vibrates with a new text. Only one person could be trying to connect with me at this late hour, sweet and beautiful Sophie. A smile creeps over my face as my attention shifts from my groaning stomach to my pulsing groin and I reach for the phone. 'How was the game?' The fact that she is even slightly interested in soccer is a turn on by itself, that she messages me from across the ocean to placate to my interests is a sign that she like me more than a friend.  
 
'My team won 2-0 so I'm in such a good mood,' even though 3am texting with a beautiful woman is considered bad behavior and slightly illicit it is easily explainable to my spouse since Sophie lives 7 hours away and we have been friends for almost 5 years.  
 
I meticulously control the content of my texts and the flow of the conversation so that if read by anyone it would appear innocent enough to not raise suspicion about an emotional affair. Our text conversations are endless, sometimes spanning over several days with the same conversation. Whenever I feel like I am at the edge of flirtation I simply exit the chat window. A silent understanding has been made between the two of us, and since we have no commitments to one another beyond friendship no one gets offended upset or sad when we don't speak for days.  
 
This was not an online rendezvous or an affair of any kind, Sophie is someone I have known for years, watched soccer with, smoked hookah with, and had various conversations from sports to politics... There was an attraction in the past and now with the distance between us the attraction has deepened, but it has never manifested itself physically. She has been on my mind more and more. 'Oooo ur in a good mood huh? It's gotta be early morning there, having trouble sleeping?'  
 
'I'm usually up his late on the weekends, you know that. I actually just got home from the cafe.'  
 
'Oh yeah? Am jealous of your ability to stay up all night, it says a lot about ur stamina...;)'  
 
She was being teasingly flirtatious... I love that...'So what are you up to right now? Just finishing work?' Subject change.  
 
'No I'm at the gym, just finished my yoga class.'  
 
A shot of warmth shoots down my torso, the thought of her slender body bending in evocative positions, her skin glistening, mmmmm...'So do I get to see your progress?'  
 
She sends a selfie, a moist sheen to her creamy skin, face flushed to perfection, no makeup, ahhhh I loved that raw look on a woman, it makes me feel like I am waking up beside her in bed. She has gotten very practiced at selfie taking, she knows exactly what angles to pose her face and body in to give me a sexy image. I am very devoted to my wife and have never strayed outside my marriage physically but the visions that run through my mind when I have these moments are beyond naughty.  
 
I know it is typical of a person in this situation to justify their behavior... She is just a friend, sure she is attractive and I am attracted to her but I am in control. Or- Friends have deep emotional connections, just because she is a friend of a different gender doesn't mean our connection is any different than it wud be if she was a guy. And the most common-she gets me, we have a different connection than my wife and I which doesn't have anything to do with my marriage.  
 
If I were really honest with myself I would replace all of the above with the statement, I love my wife and for years she has satisfied my needs and made me happy, we both have changed from the days when we first began dating we have grown and life has affected us physically mentally and emotionally. I do love her for all that she has given me but can that be called love? When I spend time analyzing it, it becomes more appreciation and respect than love. Those feelings are what keep me physically loyal to her, even if I'm physically attracted to another. Those feelings keep me emotionally connected to her even if I have emotional and mental connections to others. I struggle to choose her over others but I still do, but there is a connection that we once had for one another that has been lost.  
 
I turn to Sophie, I connect with her emotionally and I reveal pieces of myself with her that she inspires me to reveal. Her interests in me and my life are different than my wife's interests in me and so I do not share the same things with both women. I trust her with parts of myself that have grown over the years and she helps me notice these parts of me that my wife and even I, haven't noticed.  
 
My conversations with Sophie help me notice the distance between my wife and I, and I use that discovery to reconnect with my wife. Having a female friend that I can have an emotional and mental friendship with has helped me reconnect with the woman I share a bed with. Sometimes, however, the verbal repartee between Sophie and I edges on the intimate, and the fact that she is soooooo attractive and in many ways more erotic adventurous and exotic than any woman I have ever met is a challenge. It is in that temptating circumstance that I find myself in more and more often in recent days.  
 
I stand in the darkness of my kitchen and hungrily drinking in her silky flushed skin from her selfie and I feel an ache in my abdomen that I know is a yearning for her physically.  
 
'You look amazing! It's almost too hard for me to stop looking at you!' I texted. (Winking emoji response) 'Get home safe, I should get to sleep.' (Sad emoji face/waving hand emoji).  
 
I have to shut down the conversation...I sit on the couch and look through the pictures in my whatsap convo with her, the thoughts of tasting her skin and feeling her body weight pressing on my hip bones plague my  morning. I turn on the tv to distract myself and fall asleep on the couch.