Voice

When i was little
I wasn't allowed to cry.
I wasn't always allowed to talk.
Allowed to breathe.
Maybe thats why...
When my friends are hurt,
Or its something i believe in,
I'll yell so loud that the gods could hear me.
But when i hurt,
When i want to cry,
I shut up.
I shut down.
I've scared my friends like that, ya know.
They try to make me talk,
My voice wont work.
I can't make it work.
I can't get out the words i need to say.
I can't...
I open my mouth to talk sometimes,
And nothing comes out.
Nothing but air.
I can scream at the top of my lungs,
But my voice is still useless.
Maybe i lie sometimes.
All the time.
To my family, my friends, even my therapist.
"Have you ever been suicidal?"
"No" yes.
"Have you ever self harmed?"
"No" yes.
When i was 11, my brother died.
I didn't cry. I pretended to.
But i didn't cry.
Everyone talked about how amazing he was, and when i joined them,
I stayed silent.
I tried to tell someone once,
But i learned my lesson and now i stay silent.
When i was 12, i was caught trying to run away.
I was beaten black and blue, but i stayed silent.
When i was 13, i tried to kill myself, because i felt so trapped.
But i stayed silent.
The cops asked for years,
"Are you ok".
I nodded and lied.
For years.
So now, maybe thats why
My voice sticks in my throat.
And i stay silent,
Even when the blade goes a little too deep.