Her First Steps

It's 5:36 in the a.m.
I'm sitting here starring
out into space
In this place
Watching the night sky lights
Turn into day
Thinking of you.
Not too long earlier
I had dream that you were walking
I couldn't see your face
But a father always knows his daughter
It was you.
Running off balance
Into another room.
I almost cried.
It's only been two weeks
Since I've last seen you try
To roll over from your tummy
And now somehow
You were running
it's only been two weeks.
I called your name out
But you wouldnt turn around
You just kept on running
As I tried to fix your play house
But it wouldn't sit in place now
I've had this dream before.
I woke up.
Looked over on the floor,
Found an empty cradle
And a shot gun,
But no sign of you anymore,
My heart was pounding.
I was afraid I missed your first steps
The thought is haunting.
Who would've thought
Something so small would
taunt me,
The way your first times do.
I get a knot in my chest.
I take a deep breath
But this muggy oxygen
Won't stop me from
Letting this anxiety set.
What day does her birthday fall on?
Too afraid too turn my phone on
Now I'm back watching the sun soar
I'm
Too nervous to answer my own question.
I opened up the calender in my phone
Went to January
Then I froze
It was destined.
It falls on a sunday.
Your first birthday.
I only get you
Wednesday, thursday, friday
Your birthday isn't on my day
Will your mother let me stop by and say
And tell you how much I
What if I don't get to give you cake,
This is too much,
I put my phone down.
I feel my eyes sink into my head.
And that knot inside my chest
Now a boulder
Now I'm older
Yet I still cry as I would a child.