deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bottles on the fort walls
The sun moils away fruitlessly
leaving only shadows
waiting in hospital rooms,
dreaming of impossible sanctity
as we prepare to bury our dead
Elsewhere
children gambol with innocence
hidden
so as to smother comparison;
our raison d'etre.
Hidden so we cannot find
any reason to fight.
We do not push forward,
but lean reluctantly into the future
all the while, the sun
behind us
watching our shadows
merge with the rest
We become the trees
the broken refrigerators
the street lamps
the bottles on the fort walls
we become anything,
but ourselves
leaving only shadows
waiting in hospital rooms,
dreaming of impossible sanctity
as we prepare to bury our dead
Elsewhere
children gambol with innocence
hidden
so as to smother comparison;
our raison d'etre.
Hidden so we cannot find
any reason to fight.
We do not push forward,
but lean reluctantly into the future
all the while, the sun
behind us
watching our shadows
merge with the rest
We become the trees
the broken refrigerators
the street lamps
the bottles on the fort walls
we become anything,
but ourselves
Published 23rd Jul 2011
| Edited 21st Aug 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 4
reads 842
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
23rd Jul 2011 11:14am
verse, did you mean 'gamble'?
I feel that last verse heavy as poetry but it has the light feeling of a shadow as it leaves us. Great work.
I feel that last verse heavy as poetry but it has the light feeling of a shadow as it leaves us. Great work.
23rd Jul 2011 11:37am
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 11:40am
Gambol = frolic
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 11:39am
Nice to wander in and find this piece resting at your proverbial feet, Jamie.
S1 L1'away' seems a bit erroneous.
S1 L3 could use a comma at the end of the line, and S1 L4 could use a period (let's she's not preggers, eh?).
S2 L1 Using 'Elsewhere' occurs to me.
S2 L6 'that' could be stricken.
S3 L2 'in to' = into?
S3 L2 a colon could be useful following 'future'.
S3 L6 should end with a period.
Final stanza, 4th line could use a hyphen. And the final lines needs a period to top it off.
Other than those small nits, I enjoy your observations.
S1 L1'away' seems a bit erroneous.
S1 L3 could use a comma at the end of the line, and S1 L4 could use a period (let's she's not preggers, eh?).
S2 L1 Using 'Elsewhere' occurs to me.
S2 L6 'that' could be stricken.
S3 L2 'in to' = into?
S3 L2 a colon could be useful following 'future'.
S3 L6 should end with a period.
Final stanza, 4th line could use a hyphen. And the final lines needs a period to top it off.
Other than those small nits, I enjoy your observations.
