deepundergroundpoetry.com
Industrial Love
she feels dispare
in the air
floats a strain
of her hair
my lips hunger
hunger for more
she was seen
i mean
but needed to leave
it starts pumping
oil fills the lungs in
my concrete feet
seem to her discrete
as her maker
she will meet
in the air
floats a strain
of her hair
my lips hunger
hunger for more
she was seen
i mean
but needed to leave
it starts pumping
oil fills the lungs in
my concrete feet
seem to her discrete
as her maker
she will meet
Published 19th Jul 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Jul 2011 2:17am
Have you made it clear to your reader what you are talking about? At least let the reader in enough to know what it is you are riffing on.
The last line "she will meet" is your effort to make a line ryhme with a clunky, and well used, expression....really not much here for the reader.
Write about you, your life, your experiences, and just tell it plainly, without poetry. We'll love it.
The last line "she will meet" is your effort to make a line ryhme with a clunky, and well used, expression....really not much here for the reader.
Write about you, your life, your experiences, and just tell it plainly, without poetry. We'll love it.
