deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Three Captains
Three captains aboard a boat,
out at sea from dawn till dusk
drinking booze from their boots,
getting buzzed and carrying on
One captain looks out the window
he spots something he'll never forget
he notions to his partners
who also take a glance
what they see, they'll never forget
Out that old foggy window
in the deep waters, calm and blue,
a great white heading their way
slamming into the side of the boat
making it sway from left to right
By the time the captains did as they needed
they've realized then it was already too late
water seeping in from the walls,
the boat was filling by the minute
One man thought he could jump and be free,
another thought he could use something to drift across the sea
The last man standing thought he could patch the holes
while the water was only 5 inches deep.
out at sea from dawn till dusk
drinking booze from their boots,
getting buzzed and carrying on
One captain looks out the window
he spots something he'll never forget
he notions to his partners
who also take a glance
what they see, they'll never forget
Out that old foggy window
in the deep waters, calm and blue,
a great white heading their way
slamming into the side of the boat
making it sway from left to right
By the time the captains did as they needed
they've realized then it was already too late
water seeping in from the walls,
the boat was filling by the minute
One man thought he could jump and be free,
another thought he could use something to drift across the sea
The last man standing thought he could patch the holes
while the water was only 5 inches deep.
Published 24th May 2016
| Edited 25th May 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 699
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th May 2016 2:40am
That's why you always take enough beer, to get you through these kind of emergencies and if the others abandon ship it means more beer for you.
( now, was that 5 inches of water in the boat or was the sea only 5 inches deep?)
( now, was that 5 inches of water in the boat or was the sea only 5 inches deep?)
24th May 2016 3:13am
"( now, was that 5 inches of water in the boat or was the sea only 5 inches deep?)"
I meant the water inside the boat was 5 inches deep. I figure any more than that, the boat would probably (in reality terms) sink. And I wanted at least one survivor haha!
Thank you very much for reading and for your review, I greatly appreciate it! :)
I meant the water inside the boat was 5 inches deep. I figure any more than that, the boat would probably (in reality terms) sink. And I wanted at least one survivor haha!
Thank you very much for reading and for your review, I greatly appreciate it! :)
Anonymous
- Edited 24th May 2016 8:13pm
24th May 2016 8:12pm
The ending gives no clear indication that there were any survivors. This can easily be remedied by changing [ The last man standing thought he could patch the holes ] to [ The last man standing patched the holes ]. It would also cut down on the repetitive use of the word [ thought ]
[ water seeping in from the walls ] works, but if you want to reinforce the imagery of it being a boat, you could use [ hull ]. However, I doubt anyone would panic over the ocean [ seeping ] in. [ rushing ] [ gushing ] yeah.
Line 9 is more filler than anything else, because we know at least one out of those two captains doesn't live very long anyway. It won't be missed, especially since it repeats [ never forget ]
[ drinking booze from their boots, ] is an imaginative line, but why limit it to [ booze ] ? Make it specific. [ rum ] [ brandy ]
[ water seeping in ....... ] and [ the boat was filling ....... ] You got away with not using [ was ] in the previous line. Anytime you can eliminate the unimportant words, the more focus is left on the important words. [ water seeping in ....... ] and [ the boat filling ....... ] It also demonstrates consistency in your writing, whereas inconsistencies will distract readers.
You were passionate enough to tell us a story. Now you just need to be passionate enough to tell it better by making every word count.
[ water seeping in from the walls ] works, but if you want to reinforce the imagery of it being a boat, you could use [ hull ]. However, I doubt anyone would panic over the ocean [ seeping ] in. [ rushing ] [ gushing ] yeah.
Line 9 is more filler than anything else, because we know at least one out of those two captains doesn't live very long anyway. It won't be missed, especially since it repeats [ never forget ]
[ drinking booze from their boots, ] is an imaginative line, but why limit it to [ booze ] ? Make it specific. [ rum ] [ brandy ]
[ water seeping in ....... ] and [ the boat was filling ....... ] You got away with not using [ was ] in the previous line. Anytime you can eliminate the unimportant words, the more focus is left on the important words. [ water seeping in ....... ] and [ the boat filling ....... ] It also demonstrates consistency in your writing, whereas inconsistencies will distract readers.
You were passionate enough to tell us a story. Now you just need to be passionate enough to tell it better by making every word count.
25th May 2016 00:47am
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and for your helpful review, I greatly appreciate it! I will keep working on it. Thank you again! :)
