Letters I'll never send day three

Wednesday, may 11 2:10 am

Work was horrible. All those bad thoughts kept coming up. So the things I could do to hurt myself and you. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to make you cry. I don't want to hurt you no matter how much your leaving hurts.  I live you far too much. I can't even bring myself to actually tell you how I'm feeling because I know that would hurt you...

11:30 am

My phone woke me up and I thought "it's her. " and jumped to answer. It wasn't. The disappointment hurt. Especially after dreaming you called me and told me you missed me so fucking much. Good I miss you MaryAnn. I hate this more than anything.

12:45 pm

Just hit me... It's our day and we won't be doing Skype and talking and Netflix or music or whatever. I miss you so fucking much. I just keep crying. I hate this. I really do. I just need you. I need you and your weirdness and everything you are. You are the only thing that made me as happy as o could ever be. Everything about you is all I ever wanted. Why did you have to leave? You promised you would never leave. I believed you. I believed everything you ever told me. Does that make me an idiot? I mean, EVERYONE always leaves. And I believed you when you said you wouldn't...

1:35 pm

It's funny,  I wanted to lose weight before you got here. I was struggling because I love food. Now, I can barely eat. I did manage to lose those 10lbs I wanted. Ha.


2:50 pm

I just really miss you right now. My phone accidentally opened up Skype. I saw your name and wanted to call you so bad. I miss you so much MaryAnn. Good so fucking much! I hate this. So so so much. Why did you have to go? Why?


4:50 pm

I keep going over everything. I still don't believer you left. I don't believe you don't really want me. I know something had to happen. You don't say all the stuff you said and NOT mean it.  You don't put so much time and effort into someone like that and not love them. So I wish you would tell me the truth. Because I love you and I need you.  I will airways be yours MaryAnn. Always you have my heart and even if you try to give it back, I won't take it. It's not for anyone else. It's all yours. Forever.

8:25 pm

I wanted to talk to you all day. But I guess you were out. You finally answered and said you had been. But than you stopped talking. I feel so sad and lonely without you. All I can do is sit here alone and wonder about you. My sweet, silly, beautiful, wonderful girl. I miss you so fucking much.