About ready to give up

I've been drunk for
Just about 3 months now.
I've clawed all the skin from my
Arms and hidden myself from
The sun.

I'm sure you know I miss you but
I'll never be certain you were real
In the first place.
So much vodka. So much whiskey.
It's all I ever fucking taste.

I haven't slept. I hardly sleep anymore
Unless I'm passed out
Wasted
Useless
Fucked up
Still bleeding everyday

I barely finished school. I haven't gotten
Out of bed for a week. Don't eat.

I thought I'd be better but all I am
Anymore is nothing.
A breath of air. Puff of smoke.
Shot of something burning and
Stinging as it goes down.

I'm lost

When he fucks me it's worse.
I cried once. He didn't notice.

I just want to be better
But there's not much of me left.
Just pain.