deepundergroundpoetry.com
Normal day
He was walking with a big bright smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that catch your eyes, pin them down for a bit, pump your heart, but bold enough to make you go "what the fuck are you staring for".
It started with fucking your ego, fear of being alone, longing for life, and maybe a bit of lust. Things told me I would be alright even if it were only lust. Nothing else, nothing more, just pure lust.
It started with fucking your ego, fear of being alone, longing for life, and maybe a bit of lust. Things told me I would be alright even if it were only lust. Nothing else, nothing more, just pure lust.
Published 29th Apr 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 720
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
29th Apr 2016 7:52am
Personally I would space it more, to add effect, also I'd watch colloquialisms.
This is what I would do with the piece you've created.
Original: 'He was walking with a big bright smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that catch your eyes, pin them down for a bit, pump your heart, but bold enough to make you go "what the fuck are you staring for".
It started with fucking your ego, fear of being alone, longing for life, and maybe a bit of lust. Things told me I would be alright even if it were only lust. Nothing else, nothing more, just pure lust.'
Editted:
'He was walking,
a big bright smile on his face. It was one of those smiles
that catch your
eyes, pin them down
for a bit, pump your heart,
bold enough to make you mumble, "Why the fuck are you staring at me?"
It started with fucking your ego,
that fear of being alone, longing for life, a bit of lust. Things told me
I'd be alright
even if it were only
lust. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing that could transform.'
I think you have something to work with, you are trying to tell a story - I just think you need to consider the reader, change them with your words. Make it a little life-affirming. Hope this helped. Thanks,
Poppy.
This is what I would do with the piece you've created.
Original: 'He was walking with a big bright smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that catch your eyes, pin them down for a bit, pump your heart, but bold enough to make you go "what the fuck are you staring for".
It started with fucking your ego, fear of being alone, longing for life, and maybe a bit of lust. Things told me I would be alright even if it were only lust. Nothing else, nothing more, just pure lust.'
Editted:
'He was walking,
a big bright smile on his face. It was one of those smiles
that catch your
eyes, pin them down
for a bit, pump your heart,
bold enough to make you mumble, "Why the fuck are you staring at me?"
It started with fucking your ego,
that fear of being alone, longing for life, a bit of lust. Things told me
I'd be alright
even if it were only
lust. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing that could transform.'
I think you have something to work with, you are trying to tell a story - I just think you need to consider the reader, change them with your words. Make it a little life-affirming. Hope this helped. Thanks,
Poppy.
29th Apr 2016 6:57pm
29th Apr 2016 10:28pm
that is a normal day for you ...my normal day is a sandwich ...hopefully a smile....nice beginning... & welcome :)
