deepundergroundpoetry.com
THE COMING GALE
(an erotic pantoum)
I see your eyes betray the coming gale
I sense the risen tide, the rain swept sea
Your flowing harbor I so deeply sail
Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me
I sense the risen tide, the rain swept sea,
It keeps their rocking long into the night
Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me
Yet keep your labors hidden from my sight
It keeps their rocking long into the night
With shudders sent from waterline to mast
Yet keeps your labors hidden from my sight
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
With shudders sent from waterline to mast
In final crashing waves capsizing all
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
That come like hurricanes, squall after squall
In final crashing waves capsizing all,
Your flowing harbor I so deeply sail
That come like hurricanes, squall after squall
I see your eyes betray the coming gale.
I see your eyes betray the coming gale
I sense the risen tide, the rain swept sea
Your flowing harbor I so deeply sail
Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me
I sense the risen tide, the rain swept sea,
It keeps their rocking long into the night
Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me
Yet keep your labors hidden from my sight
It keeps their rocking long into the night
With shudders sent from waterline to mast
Yet keeps your labors hidden from my sight
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
With shudders sent from waterline to mast
In final crashing waves capsizing all
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
That come like hurricanes, squall after squall
In final crashing waves capsizing all,
Your flowing harbor I so deeply sail
That come like hurricanes, squall after squall
I see your eyes betray the coming gale.
Published 24th Apr 2016
| Edited 3rd May 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 7
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The author encourages honest critique.
24th Apr 2016 9:31am
ohh geoff, yes
this is how erotica should be written
{fervent}
the form has worked in your favor
indeed
if you don't win that trophy, it's a darn travesty
this is how erotica should be written
{fervent}
the form has worked in your favor
indeed
if you don't win that trophy, it's a darn travesty
29th Apr 2016 4:10pm
(posted much earlier only just realizing - not as a reply... but!)
my dear katja...
this means so much to me...
I so love your erotic verse, you handle even the most powerful themes with a kind of grace... that makes your poems virtually glisten...
I so deeply appreciate this and your reading list...
humbled
geoff
(and so it came to pass... your words and encouragement mean worlds... thank you, so much)
my dear katja...
this means so much to me...
I so love your erotic verse, you handle even the most powerful themes with a kind of grace... that makes your poems virtually glisten...
I so deeply appreciate this and your reading list...
humbled
geoff
(and so it came to pass... your words and encouragement mean worlds... thank you, so much)
24th Apr 2016 1:58pm
my dear katja...
this means so much to me...
I so love your erotic verse, you handle even the most powerful themes with a kind of grace... that makes your poems virtually glisten...
I so deeply appreciate this and your reading list...
humbled
geoff
this means so much to me...
I so love your erotic verse, you handle even the most powerful themes with a kind of grace... that makes your poems virtually glisten...
I so deeply appreciate this and your reading list...
humbled
geoff
25th Apr 2016 8:32pm
This is very, very good - well done - a couple of thoughts you might want to toy with:
Stanza 1 and final stanza - Your loving harbor I so deeply sail - seems a little bit artificial phrasing wise - might be worth tinkering with
Stanza 2 - Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me - "sure" seems slang and another word like so might be more in tune
Stanza 1 and final stanza - Your loving harbor I so deeply sail - seems a little bit artificial phrasing wise - might be worth tinkering with
Stanza 2 - Those saddled spurs that sure encircle me - "sure" seems slang and another word like so might be more in tune
26th Apr 2016 1:06am
Thank you for your notes, I'm sure I will continue to play with the poem, I always do...
In reference to the "loving harbor" I was using that to indicate to the reader that the poem is relating to love making not to seafaring... So "loving harbor" and "deeply sail" are euphemisms...
As is "saddled spurs" which referring in veiled geological terms to the shape of certain female external genitalia.
As for "sure", I meant it much more in its meaning from century and a half ago. I thought of " fast" also for its meaning in seafaring times, but I liked the sound that "sure" gave with "saddled spurs" better than "fast."
I hope I didn't over explain... OCD has me go until I'm done...
I really appreciate the notes, all of my poems are in a more or less constant state of transition. I like that you gave me your observations.
geoff
In reference to the "loving harbor" I was using that to indicate to the reader that the poem is relating to love making not to seafaring... So "loving harbor" and "deeply sail" are euphemisms...
As is "saddled spurs" which referring in veiled geological terms to the shape of certain female external genitalia.
As for "sure", I meant it much more in its meaning from century and a half ago. I thought of " fast" also for its meaning in seafaring times, but I liked the sound that "sure" gave with "saddled spurs" better than "fast."
I hope I didn't over explain... OCD has me go until I'm done...
I really appreciate the notes, all of my poems are in a more or less constant state of transition. I like that you gave me your observations.
geoff
Anonymous
28th Apr 2016 4:08pm
Geoff, knowing how difficult the pantoum format is I applaud you my friend...wonderfully done...
"With shudders sent from waterline to mast
In final crashing waves capsizing all
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
And come like hurricanes, squall after squall"
~ my favorite!!
With love - Taryn xoxo
"With shudders sent from waterline to mast
In final crashing waves capsizing all
From sacred coves your silken spells are cast
And come like hurricanes, squall after squall"
~ my favorite!!
With love - Taryn xoxo
29th Apr 2016 4:14pm
Taryn -
I can't say this is the best poem I've written - but from intent to conclusion it is the most successful - the imagery held and the word choice is the most pleasing to me... and yes, everything culminates in that stanza with the final being its afterglow...
thank you so,
geoff
I can't say this is the best poem I've written - but from intent to conclusion it is the most successful - the imagery held and the word choice is the most pleasing to me... and yes, everything culminates in that stanza with the final being its afterglow...
thank you so,
geoff
