Goodbye

She took my hand into her pale, cold ones and kissed it. Giving me a weak smile she said “Remember that you are strong. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.” I looked at her with eyes full of tears. Her bald head, curtesy of the chemotherapy, was wrapped in a white bandage. She had wrinkles on her face that made her seem so much older. Her lips were so pale and her once healthy body looked so sickly thin. Her time was coming, that, I knew. I looked into her deep blue eyes that once used to shine with life, chasing me around the house with a comb. Dropping me at school in the morning with a wave, picking me up with a smile. She filled the void my father would’ve occupied; I was never alone, I had her.

Now, I couldn’t bring myself to look at her translucent skin. The heart monitor behind her was beeping steadily but as I looked into her eyes I knew; I wasn’t leaving the hospital with her; I was leaving alone. She kissed my hand and started humming a tune. Nostalgia whipped over me as the lullaby from my childhood replayed in my mind. The tears I had tried so hard to restrain spilt over. I furiously wiped them away. I didn’t want to accept it; this wasn’t going to be the end. Yet, in that quick moment that I wiped my tears, the monitor flat-lined. I looked up at her face, saw a ghost of a smile on her lips. I could almost hear her telling me it will be fine; I will be okay. I took one last look at all the drips that were being filled into her body. The pills, injections, scans and tests. I smiled and kissed her forehead. “When I see you again, you won’t be in pain anymore.”

The doctors and nurses came rushing in but I knew no matter what, she was gone. That void in my heart would never be filled by another. There was nothing to replace the love of a mother. There, in the dark hospital corridor, the tears came once again; this time, I didn’t stop them.