deepundergroundpoetry.com
smoking poetry paper like cheap cigars.
I
am
falling
apart.
and I can't seem to fit words into the cracks
like so many times before. maybe I've been glued
by metaphor so many times. that
the descent.
broke me. beyond repair.
or maybe.
I'm just slowly working my way
into reality. and it's a place I never wanted
to visit to begin with.
and it hurts.
that's it. it hurts.
so I write. and I throw it away.
in hopes that everything.
that I felt when I wrote it. would go
with it. but then when the pen stops moving.
I'm left. with paper
riddled with dead stars in the form
of black.ink.words.
in short. the writing doesn't help.
and I'm here. needing sleep.
two cigarettes short of finishing a pack.
and. I give up.
Published 5th Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 910
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
24th Aug 2011 6:07pm
Your jagged lines and punctuation added to the atmosphere you built with this piece.
The doubles use of 'so many times before' in S2 waters down your message instead of enhancing it.
Is 'just' necessary in S3?
S6 L1 is unnecessary. The reader should have already gleaned that information, stating the obvious is bad form from you. :)
[but then when the pen stops moving.
I'm left. with paper
riddled with dead stars in the form
of black.ink.words. ] Very tasty morsel here.
I enjoyed this. Been there many, many times myself (minus the cigarettes).
The doubles use of 'so many times before' in S2 waters down your message instead of enhancing it.
Is 'just' necessary in S3?
S6 L1 is unnecessary. The reader should have already gleaned that information, stating the obvious is bad form from you. :)
[but then when the pen stops moving.
I'm left. with paper
riddled with dead stars in the form
of black.ink.words. ] Very tasty morsel here.
I enjoyed this. Been there many, many times myself (minus the cigarettes).
26th Aug 2011 7:13am
Nice breakdown, thanks. This was written a few years back, so it's good to see some updated criticism.
I'll try to respond to each piece. The double use, I see your point. I never really noticed it before, and after reading it, it does bug me. That may be altered soon.
The 'just', I feel isn't necessary, but doesn't take away from anything either, and there's nothing wrong with a good use of negative space! ;)
s6 l1, I understand your point, I suppose to me it's like getting to the end, and throwing the point in the face of the reader again, before closing the door. I do that in most of my writing, maybe not as bluntly as in this though. Thoughts on that?
Overall, thanks for the first real criticism I've gotten in years!
I'll try to respond to each piece. The double use, I see your point. I never really noticed it before, and after reading it, it does bug me. That may be altered soon.
The 'just', I feel isn't necessary, but doesn't take away from anything either, and there's nothing wrong with a good use of negative space! ;)
s6 l1, I understand your point, I suppose to me it's like getting to the end, and throwing the point in the face of the reader again, before closing the door. I do that in most of my writing, maybe not as bluntly as in this though. Thoughts on that?
Overall, thanks for the first real criticism I've gotten in years!
Anonymous
26th Aug 2011 7:46am
Hmmm, well... I think if the poem is strong then rubbing the readers face in a rehash point either infers you think the reader is stupid (which is true on occasion), or you aren't confident in your work. Sometimes repetition as a literary device works for rhythm.
In this specific piece of writing I personally feel it negates the integrity of your work.
Thank you for being gracious and opening a discussion. I appreciate it. :)
In this specific piece of writing I personally feel it negates the integrity of your work.
Thank you for being gracious and opening a discussion. I appreciate it. :)
27th Aug 2011 1:13am
