deepundergroundpoetry.com
To Him
She wakes hair tossed and twisted a mess,
To him thats when she looks her best.
She opens her eyes and the sunlight bounces off of them,
sparkling into his,
To him staring into them is bliss.
She smiles and dimples form on her rosey cheeks,
To him that smile makes his knees grow weak.
She kisses him,
lips meeting,
tongues entangled,
her body presses to his,
To him there is no greater feeling than this.
She walks to dress,
hair a flowing tangling mess,
smile lighting the way to the dimples on her face,
as the taste of her kiss lingers on his lips,
he watches her,
To him this is when she looks her best,
a beautiful love thrown mess.
To him thats when she looks her best.
She opens her eyes and the sunlight bounces off of them,
sparkling into his,
To him staring into them is bliss.
She smiles and dimples form on her rosey cheeks,
To him that smile makes his knees grow weak.
She kisses him,
lips meeting,
tongues entangled,
her body presses to his,
To him there is no greater feeling than this.
She walks to dress,
hair a flowing tangling mess,
smile lighting the way to the dimples on her face,
as the taste of her kiss lingers on his lips,
he watches her,
To him this is when she looks her best,
a beautiful love thrown mess.
Published 20th Mar 2016
| Edited 21st Mar 2016
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likes 2
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comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Mar 2016 11:48pm
I really like this poem, it shows such love but I'm going to suggest you tidy up the format and punctuation throughout, as I needed to read it a number of times to get it flowing right for me. Also I'm going to suggest the following but always remember it is your poem ...
In the 3rd line I don't think the second 'of' is necessary ...
In the 5th line I think you could delete the 'her' before dimples ...
In the 7th line I think a comma after him and deleting the 'his' after 'meeting' so that it reads ' she kisses him, lips meeting, tongues entangled" ... and maybe the word 'into' instead of 'to' so that it reads ' her body presses into his ...'
In the 8th line 'their' should be spelt 'there' ...
In the 3rd line I don't think the second 'of' is necessary ...
In the 5th line I think you could delete the 'her' before dimples ...
In the 7th line I think a comma after him and deleting the 'his' after 'meeting' so that it reads ' she kisses him, lips meeting, tongues entangled" ... and maybe the word 'into' instead of 'to' so that it reads ' her body presses into his ...'
In the 8th line 'their' should be spelt 'there' ...
20th Mar 2016 11:57pm
I appreciate your honest critique Kate, this poem is an older one, I will make the corrections you mentioned, but in line three there is only one "of" it says off of. Again I appreciate your honesty, wish more people were able to critique :)
21st Mar 2016 10:36pm
Sorry Erotic_Goddess I wasn't clear about the 'of' ...
I think that particular line would flow better if you deleted the 'of' ....
I think that particular line would flow better if you deleted the 'of' ....
21st Mar 2016 9:59pm
A cosy intimate read about waking up with the one you love. Liked the verse where they link up in the bed.
22nd Mar 2016 1:20am
