deepundergroundpoetry.com
Two Funerals
I remember when
I loved you so
I never thought
I'd need you to go
I feel nothing, no love,
No pain
It seems this soul death
Has driven me insane
I don't feel scared
But I'm not brave
My heart needs a funeral
And a deep, deep grave
When I think of you
I don't get sad
I get angry
Fucking mad
I want to be the one
To bring about your death
Plunge my knife in deep
Wait for your last breath
I suppose there should be
A funeral for two
You've killed my soul
Now,
I want to kill you
I loved you so
I never thought
I'd need you to go
I feel nothing, no love,
No pain
It seems this soul death
Has driven me insane
I don't feel scared
But I'm not brave
My heart needs a funeral
And a deep, deep grave
When I think of you
I don't get sad
I get angry
Fucking mad
I want to be the one
To bring about your death
Plunge my knife in deep
Wait for your last breath
I suppose there should be
A funeral for two
You've killed my soul
Now,
I want to kill you
Published 17th Mar 2016
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Mar 2016 00:38am
17th Mar 2016 00:39am
Anonymous
17th Mar 2016 1:33am
Wow Glow......what a heart tugging write......I can relate to this......I hope writing this helped you......purple luv & hugs xo :)
17th Mar 2016 1:39am
hullo, and welcome to this place
it's a nice little poem, and for the most part your meter is perfect and the poem flows like a river. dunno if you were counting your syllables ofr following a rhythm while writing, it turned out well
on a constructive side. I think there are a couple of places which fracture your rhythm:
I think there's one too many syllables on the fourth line and again on the seventh.
I especially liked from 'I don't feel scared ' the 'fucking mad' works great.
maybe think about a couple linebreaks
look, they're only suggestions and opinion. if they don't work for you it's cool. no worries
anyhow, good stuff, newbie
keep shinnin'
:edit
you could try "need you gone" on the fourth line. I know the ryhme isn't as sharp with gone , but there is a subtle ryhme
it's a nice little poem, and for the most part your meter is perfect and the poem flows like a river. dunno if you were counting your syllables ofr following a rhythm while writing, it turned out well
on a constructive side. I think there are a couple of places which fracture your rhythm:
I think there's one too many syllables on the fourth line and again on the seventh.
I especially liked from 'I don't feel scared ' the 'fucking mad' works great.
maybe think about a couple linebreaks
look, they're only suggestions and opinion. if they don't work for you it's cool. no worries
anyhow, good stuff, newbie
keep shinnin'
:edit
you could try "need you gone" on the fourth line. I know the ryhme isn't as sharp with gone , but there is a subtle ryhme
17th Mar 2016 2:06am
Anonymous
18th Mar 2016 2:06am
The trials of love.. always two victims.. the loved, the unloved.. nicely done..
Dave
Dave
18th Mar 2016 11:44am
Yes. I don't believe love is ever equal between two people in any relationship. Thank you for reading and commenting hun.
