deepundergroundpoetry.com
your addiction
Beauty fades
Broken mirror and razor blade
I have to watch you waste away
Do I have to watch you end
When it's my eyes that sink slowly in sadness
My throat that doesn't swallow,
my voice that doesn't sound
How do we call this your 'sickness?"
You make the choice
You get to be high; I clean you up
I get to be here for both of us
And you, you get none of the blame
Just the escape, the attention
Because you're the one with the disease
And I'm just with the diseased
Broken mirror and razor blade
I have to watch you waste away
Do I have to watch you end
When it's my eyes that sink slowly in sadness
My throat that doesn't swallow,
my voice that doesn't sound
How do we call this your 'sickness?"
You make the choice
You get to be high; I clean you up
I get to be here for both of us
And you, you get none of the blame
Just the escape, the attention
Because you're the one with the disease
And I'm just with the diseased
Published 25th Jun 2011
| Edited 27th Jun 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 1101
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Jun 2011 00:24am
i love the way this poem flows and reading it made an emotional conection to me.. wish i could have wrote it and sent it to my mother.. then she could see how i really feel about her..
but non the less, amazing work
but non the less, amazing work
27th Jun 2011 1:40am
I wrote it after being the crutch of someone going through an addiction. At first I felt selfish, but looking back, it's a disease that not only affects the victim, but everyone around the victim. I'm glad you liked it.
27th Jun 2011 2:18pm
27th Jun 2011 3:09pm
As an opening comment, I found the poem compelling but I felt that it could be even more powerful.
I'm not quite sure why you chose to end the 3rd and 4th lines with "to you". At first I thought that it was a rhyming poem with a weak rhyme, but then I just found it jarring. Is your intent to use repetition for impact? If so, for me, it's not working. And if you are going to go down that road then why not continue that theme throughout the poem, after all, the addict is all about me, me, me, what about you, you, you? Isn't that part of what this poem is about? It's like you need to give yourself permission to get angry.
I found this line "You decided to be high, not here" to be weak. It is my opinion that there needs to be a much stronger statement to be made about choosing the high over choosing to be present. The "not here" is almost a weak after-thought, and totally loses impact.
I liked these lines:
"My throat that doesn't swallow,
my voice that doesn't sound", very nice and descriptive.
Overall, a good poem but it feels little restrained. I think there's some good opportunity for stark contrast, and more emotion.
Sorry if my comments sound blunt, I'm just calling it as I see it. Feel free to do with my comments as you wish. Overall, I liked the poem, I liked the concept of the poem, I just want to feel more I think.
I'm not quite sure why you chose to end the 3rd and 4th lines with "to you". At first I thought that it was a rhyming poem with a weak rhyme, but then I just found it jarring. Is your intent to use repetition for impact? If so, for me, it's not working. And if you are going to go down that road then why not continue that theme throughout the poem, after all, the addict is all about me, me, me, what about you, you, you? Isn't that part of what this poem is about? It's like you need to give yourself permission to get angry.
I found this line "You decided to be high, not here" to be weak. It is my opinion that there needs to be a much stronger statement to be made about choosing the high over choosing to be present. The "not here" is almost a weak after-thought, and totally loses impact.
I liked these lines:
"My throat that doesn't swallow,
my voice that doesn't sound", very nice and descriptive.
Overall, a good poem but it feels little restrained. I think there's some good opportunity for stark contrast, and more emotion.
Sorry if my comments sound blunt, I'm just calling it as I see it. Feel free to do with my comments as you wish. Overall, I liked the poem, I liked the concept of the poem, I just want to feel more I think.
27th Jun 2011 4:28pm
Thank you for being blunt; that's why I'm here. Be as blunt as you please on anything I write. Your suggestions were made with a great deal of thought and come from experience. I value the fact that you placed that much thought into one of my works-- it shows a great deal of respect. Thank you.
12th Jul 2011 8:44am
it reminds me of someone dear... i think u did a wonderful job. it brought a tear
12th Jul 2011 11:20pm
16th Aug 2011 7:59am
