reds

fuck I haven't felt bad guilty ashamed of my actions and their consiqunsences in a long time, like really cared , sure I always say sorry do I mean it ?, 70 % of the time hell the fuck no i don't even realize its a scapegoat , I just say because if I didn't say it at the end of your sad situation or story, I would look like a dick
and I don't wanna be a dick but I definitely would trade that look for pussy,
I didn't even do anything wrong really but be insensitive
to a good friends feelings, not thinking they were really hurting
I don't know really, what I thought simply not thinking
I see you now
I hear you now
I feel you inside myself now
and its hurting me to I bow my head now
you and I talk about different things
things I'm not  used to
like caring Ewww  
and  loving Ewwwwwww
but with you, I don't wanna puke
or punch you in the face for being so oooy goooy
I kinda like it, really I'm not kidding I need it to
I like how I'm pretty much able to tell you everything
but still there's limits keeping my crazy ass in check
you keep me in check telling me to shut up and stop venting
all my insecurities and the shitty days problems on you
I growl, snarl and glare from afar at you
and say fuck you bitch u cant make me do shit
under my breath, it sounds tuff
I win in my head so that works for me
so I respond kinda cold
fine whatever doesn't matter to me
a verbal wall I built years ago
a defensive measure
to block the hurt caused by dumping my soul out on others
having them use it against me,
hold it over me or just plain ignore me,
it's fine, whatever I don't even care anymore  anyway
I could never make it a habit of treating you like that
like trash, like you don't matter to me
when in all truth
I respect you the most
I was  so comfortable with you, since day one remember
I tried to scare you away to thinking shes hot
but looks so soft and nice she's  gonna  scream and yell
running away from me
calling a priest  or police to arrest me
when I get really quiet and short with you
I'm really just  protecting you
not ignoring you
I know on my bad days I can be cruel and hurtful
down right purposely evil
I keep you apart deep in my heart
shielding you from the way I might treat you
but right as rain im always back to you
always guarding  you ,caring the best I can for you
 never wanting any of the bad the world brings in
to ever  creep inside you
affecting  you negatively and hurting you
I'm a good dude
just  a little bit of any and every kind of trust issues
an assload of  personality issues PTSD manic depressive disorder
and who knows what else,  I stopped listening to them
because I know  there just conspiering
to  obtain my brain
and splice my genetics with a monkies
creating an Irish monkey badass mutant
but anyhoo
ill stop venting, I do love you, my friend, truly
I'm just scared of losing you to
I have nobody else here, you know why I'm here
the only one to know the  whole story to,
you know things in detail I've never told anyone
shit I even try to hide it from myself its so risky
but with all my trust issues
I put trust in you
I hope you see  that man
and not just  a jhin twisting you .