deepundergroundpoetry.com
Persuader.
fading smiles on snow clad skin
he left her tied in strings of pain
beneath the shame of weeping sin
and shadows haunting with Violin
her days of him are out of reach
fading smiles on snow clad skin
and face of secrets stretched out thin
his name is boneless on her lips
beneath the shame of weeping sin
the breath of lasts in eyes that sting
a final kiss that died from space
fading smiles on snow clad skin
her glass is filled with pearls of gin
she swallows the poison of his parting
beneath the shame of weeping sin
where winter falls deep and grim
laying heavy on her slowing heart
fading smiles on snow clad skin
beneath the shame of weeping sin
(Written for Shadoe's Villanelle competition) raw..no edit as of yet.
Published 8th Jan 2016
| Edited 10th Oct 2016
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9th Jan 2016 8:51pm
The imagery is stark between the 'snow clad' contrasted with 'weeping sin'. Because you have asked for such:
his name is boneless on her lips <-- I love this line
the breath of lasts in eyes that sting <-- great imagery to tearing up but I stumbled a bit and had to reread to fully comprehend. I have no suggestion but will think on it.
a final kiss that died from space <-- not sure the contrast works here. I'm assuming you're referring to a kiss that never occurred or
her glass is filled with pearls of gin <-- I felt this line a bit weak. I almost wish 'gin' was reflective of his leaving - like pearls of been
she swallows the poison of his parting <-- love the alliteration.
laying heavy on her slowing heart <-- if this could refer to winter cold - like laying heavy on her [freezing/numbing/etc.]
Overall it's a great villanelle filled with imagery and emotion. Best of luck in the comp.
his name is boneless on her lips <-- I love this line
the breath of lasts in eyes that sting <-- great imagery to tearing up but I stumbled a bit and had to reread to fully comprehend. I have no suggestion but will think on it.
a final kiss that died from space <-- not sure the contrast works here. I'm assuming you're referring to a kiss that never occurred or
her glass is filled with pearls of gin <-- I felt this line a bit weak. I almost wish 'gin' was reflective of his leaving - like pearls of been
she swallows the poison of his parting <-- love the alliteration.
laying heavy on her slowing heart <-- if this could refer to winter cold - like laying heavy on her [freezing/numbing/etc.]
Overall it's a great villanelle filled with imagery and emotion. Best of luck in the comp.
11th Jan 2016 2:24pm
Thank you Ahavati. All critique taken on board and appreciated. When I do come to look at it again, I will take those things into account. It was only an hour write.
"the breath of lasts" meaning the last of touch, love etc, those things shared between two. It was the only way I could think to express that using as few words as possible.
"a final kiss that died from space" I wasn't sure about this when I wrote it and will probably change it. I'm trying to express a kiss that left her space all too quickly.
I used gin and pearls together because of a memory from my younger years and both relating to tears.
"laying heavy on her slowing heart" is because her heart is dying (the last beats, broken into pieces) that is kind of what I was trying to portray. Her death. Also why I am using winter as a metaphor for feeling.
Thank you again. :)
"the breath of lasts" meaning the last of touch, love etc, those things shared between two. It was the only way I could think to express that using as few words as possible.
"a final kiss that died from space" I wasn't sure about this when I wrote it and will probably change it. I'm trying to express a kiss that left her space all too quickly.
I used gin and pearls together because of a memory from my younger years and both relating to tears.
"laying heavy on her slowing heart" is because her heart is dying (the last beats, broken into pieces) that is kind of what I was trying to portray. Her death. Also why I am using winter as a metaphor for feeling.
Thank you again. :)
9th Jan 2016 11:41pm
11th Jan 2016 2:25pm
20th Jan 2016 5:45am
her sorrow shows in the fading; her beauty resplendent in a glass coffin.
persuasive poetry...
persuasive poetry...
24th Jan 2016 9:24am
5th Feb 2016 3:32am
Mag, I don't think I could ever get tired of reading your poetry or hearing your beautiful voice, one of the most addictive accents I've heard.! I'm always impressed, never disappointed......
25th Feb 2016 8:23am
