deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Game We Play
This is my first attempt at erotica, so hopefully it makes the grade. Let me know what you think, either way.
Her lover lay rejected, restless
She slips into a soft slumber
Her eyes, closed
a slight smile on her lips
He likes it that way
His blocked cock stirs
Her breath falls into a pulse
As he creeps from their bed
She stirs for only a moment
The night is cold, but the heat…
She poses for his gaze, sleeping
As he mans his member
Her pulsed breath hardening his weapon
He ninja sneaks past the creaks
She sighs as he arrives by her side
Dream moans escape her exhale
He listens, priming his gun
Lifting covers slowly
Her slumber secure, he advances
Exposed, her abeyant ass awaits
Hand marching over shaft
In cadence to her breath
She pleasures him passively
His grip tightens
Pace quickens
The snake is salivating
Her moonshine skin…
Pulse Accelerating
Sweet Sensations
Igniting
Orion
...Now
Spurted warmth blankets her skin
Streaming strands of silver
He basks in the glistening
Leaving the treasure for her to discover
He slips back under the sheets
And into her dreams
Her lover lay rejected, restless
She slips into a soft slumber
Her eyes, closed
a slight smile on her lips
He likes it that way
His blocked cock stirs
Her breath falls into a pulse
As he creeps from their bed
She stirs for only a moment
The night is cold, but the heat…
She poses for his gaze, sleeping
As he mans his member
Her pulsed breath hardening his weapon
He ninja sneaks past the creaks
She sighs as he arrives by her side
Dream moans escape her exhale
He listens, priming his gun
Lifting covers slowly
Her slumber secure, he advances
Exposed, her abeyant ass awaits
Hand marching over shaft
In cadence to her breath
She pleasures him passively
His grip tightens
Pace quickens
The snake is salivating
Her moonshine skin…
Pulse Accelerating
Sweet Sensations
Igniting
Orion
...Now
Spurted warmth blankets her skin
Streaming strands of silver
He basks in the glistening
Leaving the treasure for her to discover
He slips back under the sheets
And into her dreams
Published 9th Dec 2015
| Edited 10th Dec 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 10
reading list entries 1
comments 22
reads 1144
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th Dec 2015 2:52am
it's an intriguing interlude of passive sex, as he assaults her half-sleep.
'moonshine skin': stunning image...
'moonshine skin': stunning image...
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate the input. I do want to point out a couple of things, lest the readers become uneasy. The first is that this is ficticious and the second is that there are some hints of consent in there, perhaps too thinly veiled. Thanks again :)
The only negative thing i have to say..never apologise! Its like a skinny chick sayin...im so fat...
He ninja sneaks past the creaks
She sighs as he arrives by her side
Dream moans escape her exhale
He listens, priming his gun
Lifting covers slowly
Love the cadencé here...and the voyeuristic aspect of this is intriguing. He likes it this way..a bit of role play?
I write erotica..though you have read two of my silliest..you are great at this. On my RL now. Read my impromptu...or their season on fire. Think you would be great at that kind of short erotic prose.
Awsome.
(just pozted your pic recently on fb lol)
J
He ninja sneaks past the creaks
She sighs as he arrives by her side
Dream moans escape her exhale
He listens, priming his gun
Lifting covers slowly
Love the cadencé here...and the voyeuristic aspect of this is intriguing. He likes it this way..a bit of role play?
I write erotica..though you have read two of my silliest..you are great at this. On my RL now. Read my impromptu...or their season on fire. Think you would be great at that kind of short erotic prose.
Awsome.
(just pozted your pic recently on fb lol)
J
12th Dec 2015 5:35pm
Thanks for the vote of confidence, J. Anytime you try something new, there always seems to be little nuances of which you aren't aware. I wanted to put a disclaimer there so that people would feel more comfortable offering advice and schooling the noob. I'll definitely check out those pieces and the competition. I really liked the Sid Vicious Sestina you did, and I didn't think that was silly. I have also read some other nicely penned pieces on here which kind of emboldened me to give it a shot.
I really appreciate your comment and the RL add. I just noticed tthat feature the other day. I'll have to start populating tthat myself. Thanks again. I'll be seeing yyou around.
I really appreciate your comment and the RL add. I just noticed tthat feature the other day. I'll have to start populating tthat myself. Thanks again. I'll be seeing yyou around.
The dividing line between erotica and pornography ( a legitimate art form ) is narrow the two have different objectives and the composer must be aware of these. Too many erotic poems read like sex manuals..The love poem is erotic,the poet needs the involvement of the reader to fulfill the purpose of the poetry. Remember the erotica of bird song, the laughter of children.Much so called erotic poetry is rubbish.Do not confuse praise with criticism.Thank you posting your poem
12th Dec 2015 5:52pm
Kexby, thanks for the perspective . I pondered the differences between the two art forms (i agree that porn is art) recently and never even really considered the involvement of the reader. I love that concept! It is really important to me and I try to give the reader a lot of leeway when it comes to interpretation. I can see the distinction. Thanks again for commenting.
13th Dec 2015 4:30am
Really enjoyed the read moe...
And more so the second and third times, though I would suggest the line
'As he mans his member' does not flow as well as it could for me...it's the word 'mans'...maybe replace it with 'strokes' or another word...and
'Dream moans escape her exhale'...could i suggest replacing 'exhale' with 'lips' for a better flow...
Ditto Kexby's comment...
Subtlety will take the reader with you in the most amazing way...
And more so the second and third times, though I would suggest the line
'As he mans his member' does not flow as well as it could for me...it's the word 'mans'...maybe replace it with 'strokes' or another word...and
'Dream moans escape her exhale'...could i suggest replacing 'exhale' with 'lips' for a better flow...
Ditto Kexby's comment...
Subtlety will take the reader with you in the most amazing way...
14th Dec 2015 4:36pm
Thanks for your suggestions, Kate. I really appreciate it. I oscillated on that line for a bit before just settling on it. Now I think the poem would probably work better without it altogether. Thanks again for your input and encouragement.
13th Dec 2015 10:43pm
Excellent first try at eroticism Moe! Your imagery and wordplay are spot on:
"The snake is salivating
Her moonshine skin…
Pulse Accelerating
Sweet Sensations
Igniting
Orion
...Now"
Passionate indeed, and that's a nice touch of ambiguity at the end:
" Leaving the treasure for her to discover
He slips back under the sheets
And into her dreams"
That could easily be a dream if it wasn't for the evidence. Fine work throughout, a pleasure to read.
"The snake is salivating
Her moonshine skin…
Pulse Accelerating
Sweet Sensations
Igniting
Orion
...Now"
Passionate indeed, and that's a nice touch of ambiguity at the end:
" Leaving the treasure for her to discover
He slips back under the sheets
And into her dreams"
That could easily be a dream if it wasn't for the evidence. Fine work throughout, a pleasure to read.
14th Dec 2015 4:39pm
Thank you. I'm glad the acrostic wasn't lost on you. I'm very thankful for this group here. It is truly inspiring.
14th Dec 2015 4:20am
Your first attempt?! Well done! I love the softness to this sensual piece. I'm not a writer that enjoys the explicit, raw, somewhat 'pornish' and cheesy erotica that a lot of writers pen here. I'm sooooo burned out on it.
This ink is more of my erotic taste and I'm so pleased to be reading you. I really loved the way you spelled out 'passion'. Very creative!
"Her slumber secure, he advances
Exposed, her abeyant ass awaits
Hand marching over shaft
In cadence to her breath "<--- love these lines....
This ink is more of my erotic taste and I'm so pleased to be reading you. I really loved the way you spelled out 'passion'. Very creative!
"Her slumber secure, he advances
Exposed, her abeyant ass awaits
Hand marching over shaft
In cadence to her breath "<--- love these lines....
14th Dec 2015 8:45pm
Thank you for the comment. I have a real similar taste, though I must say, a lot of poets on here do a really good job with explicit stuff. It opened me up to the possibility. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.
Anonymous
- Edited 25th Sep 2020 3:45am
14th Dec 2015 6:46am
<< post removed >>
15th Dec 2015 10:37am
Thanks, Taryn. Your writings were an inspiration for this attempt, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your comment means a lot to me.
15th Dec 2015 10:48am
I do believe your worrying whether the readers are put off by this is alleviated immediately by you title.
So cheers on that you're good! lol
as for the rest... 1st time? hhhmmm felt seasoned to me, so I'm gonna go out on a limb an say U have a very small learning curb in this genre :)... "Abeyant ass" THAT was impressive, never ever read that in ANY way before n I like that approach alot! Your acrostic made this a poem within a poem n that was truly clever! as a whole it was
on a scale from 1 to 10- 12! :) kudos bro. U did Da damn thang! lol
So cheers on that you're good! lol
as for the rest... 1st time? hhhmmm felt seasoned to me, so I'm gonna go out on a limb an say U have a very small learning curb in this genre :)... "Abeyant ass" THAT was impressive, never ever read that in ANY way before n I like that approach alot! Your acrostic made this a poem within a poem n that was truly clever! as a whole it was
on a scale from 1 to 10- 12! :) kudos bro. U did Da damn thang! lol
18th Dec 2015 6:32pm
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me.
18th Dec 2015 4:49pm
Okay so after reading the comments.. I too, took it as could of been a dream at the end. I loved the words you chose. It was different but interesting. I like it. For hour first attempt is say you did damn good.
18th Dec 2015 6:34pm
Thanks a lot. I wanted to have it to be kind of ambiguous. Let the reader a little to the story.
21st Dec 2015 6:08am
I enjoyed the hell out of this so I feel your first attempt was a total score. <3 Cant wait to see what comes next.
23rd Dec 2015 3:48am
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Jan 2016 3:19am
8th Jan 2016 3:18am
Welcome to DU Moe!! I think this is excellent for your first erotic......you kept it interesting.....have good lines thru.....kid of a mystery to it wondering what will be next and how is this going to end......really enjoyed......keep writing them...oh and remember your the writer......if your happy with it then that's all that matters.....write YOU......not anyone else....xo :)
9th Jan 2016 3:58am
Thanks for the kind words. I had fun writing this, and while I did write it for myself, I am grateful for the feedback. I have learned a lot from you guys already and I look forward to learning more.
