Reluctantly

Reluctantly I find myself not being able to say what i mean or even feel what i want to feel. Instead I reluctantly without a choice go with what i think to be the easiest i guess it's mind over matter right? I guess so because no matter how much I try Reluctantly my soul will pull me in a different direction then my heart. I don't understand but maybe one day i will be able to say,speak feel and live without reluctance.