deepundergroundpoetry.com
Death
The slower it gets, the more sad it becomes.
Life has ended for me. A new begining awaits. Heaven or hell? Which will
it be. I get to see your face one last time before I leave this world. A
few moments later, Silence.[/font]
Life has ended for me. A new begining awaits. Heaven or hell? Which will
it be. I get to see your face one last time before I leave this world. A
few moments later, Silence.[/font]
Published 17th Jun 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Jun 2011 11:32pm
29th Jun 2011 00:42am
You should consider changing the form.
Maybe break it down to simpler, cleaner lines.
It lacks consistency at the moment.
\'the slower it gets, the more sad it becomes\' followed by \'life has ended for me\' is confusing. Try to be clearer with your point by maybe adding something in-between those two lines to give us a more concise idea/picture of what you mean.
As for the rest, same applies.
Restructure and either simplify it or add a little more detail so that we can \'feel\' it a little better.
Hope this was helpful ;)
Maybe break it down to simpler, cleaner lines.
It lacks consistency at the moment.
\'the slower it gets, the more sad it becomes\' followed by \'life has ended for me\' is confusing. Try to be clearer with your point by maybe adding something in-between those two lines to give us a more concise idea/picture of what you mean.
As for the rest, same applies.
Restructure and either simplify it or add a little more detail so that we can \'feel\' it a little better.
Hope this was helpful ;)
30th Jun 2011 1:46am
3rd May 2013 1:48am
hmmmm I think that allot by im getting old..and tired. eventually it wont matter I guess. what I think.
