The Urge to Burn

I look at the needles  on the bed
A playboy lighter lays besides them

I want to make scars...
I want to make myself bleed

I'm not crying... I feel nothing
I look at my legs, I look at my arms

Then I see his face and I sigh
It'd hurt him if I did...

I know this... My promise rings in my ear
I want to hold the lighter steady under the needle

I want to watch the smooth grey turn hatred red
I want to press the needle against my skin

Watch the needle go through the layers with ease
To feel the sting and the mental release

But his face keeps popping up in my mind...
I rub my thumb against the familiar bunny logo

I whisper "I can't tonight my old friend"
I cry because I want to burn

I want new scars, I want release
I pick up the lighter and needles

I throw them against the wall
Now tears run freely down my cheeks

I scream into the pillow so no one can hear
I cry, I sob and weep, I scream in anguish

I hated him and the way his image haunts my mind
Crying I fall from the bed and crawl to the wall

I pick up the needle; small, medium, large
All had tips were blackened and one had burnt flesh

Then I noticed my lighter... It had a crack
The lighter fluid seeped out like a loved one's blood

The bunny logo was beheaded and I clutched it to my chest
I sobbed rocking back and forth, my forehead on the wooden floor

I couldn't stop the tears from creating a small puddle
I finally uncurled my body and crawled towards my bed

Hiccups make breathing hard and I drop the needles trying to get back in bed
I lay in bed and stare at the feeling, I pull out my cellphone

I somehow turned it on through my tears
I hold the phone close to be able t find the YouTube logo

I turn on my panic playlist, songs that normally calm me down
But it wasn't working and I fell asleep on a wet pillow

I woke up to the sound of my Dad's familiar knock
He had no idea of the night before

He smiled and said "breakfast is ready sweetie"
I smiled back and said I'll be there in a minute

No one knows and no one will find out
How close I was to breaking a promise to him