When I clean up, I clean up good!

I am a drug addict, I have been one for way too many years. After a really bad breakup and a worse relapse I have been struggling with severe depression as well, no matter if I use or not, I feel like shit all day long. The only time I find some kind of solace is when I sleep, which does not happen really often, especially in the last weeks. Anyway, my room was really fucked up, it was dirty, it had clothes on the floor, clothes on the bed, clothes on the chair, clothes on the walls (well I kind of that as a decoration, but most of these clothes were dusted and misplaced), well it was really fucked up it had trash on the floor as well, ashtrays full of cigarette buds and dusty as dead woman's cunt, hell it was a shithole. Another thing that comes along with depression is that I didn't care for myself as well, I think that I had to bathe for more than a week or so, luckily I don't smell bad and my clothes are always clean. I had to do something, things were getting out of hand. So I stopped for a minute and tried to focus, what can I do? What I want to do. I wanted to feel good, I wanted something to feel good about, so I decided to stop procrastinating and put an end to this misery. I gathered all the strength in me and I started to get rid of any trash that would go for recycling, I swear to god, I gathered two full plastic trash bags. Things started to change, I felt good even for doing something that most people do without even think about it, but for me it meant something, I realized that I can do it. I won't lie to you, there were moments I was about to leave my work midway and score a hit, but I restrained myself and kept cleaning. I started sorting shit that were gathered on my bookshelves and I am the kind of person that keeps like ANYTHING. At this point, I had another plastic bag almost full with stuff I would throw up and until this point felt like I had a need for them. I sorted out old cds, dvds, books and all kind of decorations.  I sorted out my college books and my personal data files and then the most amazing thing happened. I found things I had written years ago and totally forgot about them. I am a writer, the material I had recovered was dated back to 2008 the time I went to rehab for the first time. I put these stuff aside carefully because of the degradation they had suffered they were really sensitive, some pages were actually getting ripped like they were dust. Anyway, I kept cleaning my room, I dusted the shelves, I vacuumed the room and then moped it, I changed my sheets and the pillowcases, I did EVERYTHING there was to be done. I sorted out my closet and made a pile of clothes that I didn't want and tomorrow I will get them to the Syrian refugees that are gathered on a square not far from my home. Believe me, I love my clothes and most of them are pretty expensive, but I just wouldn't use them anymore so I decided that this was the best thing to do. Only the thought of it makes me happy, even more now that I am sharing my intentions with you guys. So, where are we? Oh yes, I have done all that needed to be done. Now it was time to take a better look at the things I had written and forgotten about. I am in a bad place right now, I have been trying to get clean since 2008, I have succeeded many, but relapsed as many. Reading these things had me thinking of this time, the first time I said to myself "What the fuck are you doing man? Don't you get it? You are going to die. Everyone around you gets fucked or is sad about you. You have lost most of your friends and you are going nowhere." Shit, nothing's has changed, well not exactly nothing... I had some good moments, but this is not relevant I think. I kept reading these pages, some were short stories (most of them a mix of real-life events and fiction) some were poems, some were college assignments (I study psychology at an American college in Greece), some of them were from my time in the rehab center, some kind of diary I kept at the time and was completely forgotten. A favorite quote of Maya Angelou came up to mind “People will forget the things you do, and people will forget the things you say. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” There I was, thinking of what I made people I cared about feel like. At this point I am sure that a lot of people here will say something like "What the fuck is that dude writing here? This isn't your diary, it's a fucking post for a messed up room." Well, FUCK YOU if you think that. So, what does this all have to do with a messed up room. Cleaning up my room made me feel nice, it gave me a little bit of happiness, a thing I really needed, but couldn't find. More importantly, aside from the recovered stuff, throwing up useless shit and a pair of clean sheets, I had some kind of revelation. What if I could do to my life what I just did to my room? What if I could start cleaning up what I could, even the smallest thing, baby steps, small things like taking better care of myself, shave once every 3 or 4 days, take a bath every other day and a shower daily, get a haircut, trim my nails. Stuff that most people would take for granted are really tough when you are a junkie and depressed on top of that, but cleaning up my room gave me hope, it made me feel like I can do it, clean up, get my life together like I just did with these shelves. To some people this post might seem irrelevant, some people might think that I am lying to myself and that I will just fuck it up once more. Fuck, I might just do, I will fall like we all do, but I will get up, I will keep getting up no matter how many times I fall down. I am a fighter. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get up, because this is what fighters do, this is what this fucking life has taught me. Funny isn't it? Getting all that shit just from cleaning up your room... I really don't know what tomorrow will bring, the only thing I know for sure is that today I will sleep better than I slept for even years maybe and maybe I will wake up feeling like that. You know what? I am going to get clean, I know it and I fucking love that feeling, because when I clean up, I clean up good.