alteration of faith

I feel so strong in my faith
The possibilities are endless
I lower my head in shame of my past, only knowing
Its the the same place my head is when I'm praying
I fall,to my knees knowing that its the same place I'm at when I'm begging
I cry
I feel so tempted
And try
Guess she doesn't like me
Who cares
I thought my problems were in my feelings
Or lack thereof
So I supplemented smiling
With drinking
Only to find out ultimately
That the flesh is far more powerful than my heart
Especially when she has tattoos,and a smile I talk about more than I see
So I'm living stronger in knowing I can overcome this
Because I'm living daily
Without what is making me
Knowing soon I'll find what
God has left for me
And find the one with expectations I can also meet
I lay here daydreaming
Suffocating yet again
Trying to catch my breath
Like I wish I could my sin
So I wouldn't have to ask for forgiveness tomorrow
She doesn't call,i don't care
Or do I
Seems I write,talk,and wine
About it
More than the alcohol I'm trying to give up
Me without a beer
I know it seems impossible
So does not taking a self injected shot of hyper activity, and I've made it ten months thus far
I'm forever rushing my pain
To get to the feeling of unworthy,so that I know its a delusion brought forth by the possibility of failure
And when Christ strengthens my weakness
To fail is just a thought wanting her more like a wish,And I realize in this school full of problems
I'm not the worst fish
I learn daily,silently listen
As often as allowed
And when its too quite
I look up from falling and reach for the hands that have absorbed my pain
While lifting me away
from this valley
in the bottom
of my self grown Eden
the forbidden fruit
Would taste delicious
In a pie, I'm sure of it