journal gibberish

I'm totally lost to the world outside and I hate the space in here. I am isolated, have no one I can ask for help or rely on. I have basically brushed away my friends to the point where I have two friends and a half dozen acquaintances who used to be friends. I am completely unmotivated to do anything or change the shit I hate. Everything overwhelms me. Even when I get brief moments of inspiration to make an attempt to clean my apartment, it hits me in the head like a brick. So I just sit here doing nothing, living alone and wondering if the people I used to be friends with have any idea I am alive or even think of me as a friend. I want to throw everything away and start over. This must be how God felt when he flooded the world. Just wipe out everything, but save just enough to start over. That's how I feel about moving. I wish I had enough money to move! I can't stand it here, and then I can start over again. Of course that never works because I just make a mess of my life all over again. I don't know what to do. My brain gets stressed out and I go back to bed and dream of a different life. Unfortunately I wake up and see that nothing has changed. I should have been a drug addict, at least I'd be able to blame all this on a messed up mind and chemicals. Why did I ever quit drinking? It's not like I was an alcoholic. I just decided it wasn't doing anything for me. But then that's why I quit everything. Nothing feels worth the time I spent doing it. I find happiness in nothing. It's all just things to occupy my time until I die. I can't even be bothered to take the time to throw out the useless junk I don't have any need for. I just leave it where it is and walk away. Kind of what I did with my friends.

JJ