deepundergroundpoetry.com
Are we destroying our nature?
I see to the farthest point my sight betrays
I feel as long as my senses are in place
But when I open my eyes
there is nothing in sight
Not a man, not a plant
Not a tree I can transplant
Into the memory cells of my brains
I try. Struggling to uncover stories
My body is fatigued and fatigue is strained
My mind is confound my visions untamed
Red-Yellow-white is all that came
What happened to the lush mountains and the pompous gardens?
All I see are patches of white and yellow and toxic reds
My body is fatigued and my fatigue is strained
Nature's luscious greens have only one thing to blame
Bits and pieces of colour: The red-yellow-white stain
I am breathless. My heart is pounding
My mind is trying to reason, to put up with this treason
Where have the trees gone missing, my shallow self is expounding
Trucks, trucks are all envisioned.
Red-Yellow-white. The green pastures and the beautiful black might
All are meshed up, cluttered like the evils of a mind
All succumbed to the whims and fancies of Red-Yellow and white
A cajole, a plea, a cry is what I scream
Pastures of green and precious black
is what I really want to seek
The black gold of beauty, aesthetic, marvel and craft
The green of life, wealth, meaning and art
Have the power to eliminate the vices of the mind
Have the strength to stupefy the villain inside
The power of black and green
Will segregate the fallows of disease clean
And no longer will we see the schema of colours alike
Separation of Red-Yellow and White.
A safer environment has arrive
I feel as long as my senses are in place
But when I open my eyes
there is nothing in sight
Not a man, not a plant
Not a tree I can transplant
Into the memory cells of my brains
I try. Struggling to uncover stories
My body is fatigued and fatigue is strained
My mind is confound my visions untamed
Red-Yellow-white is all that came
What happened to the lush mountains and the pompous gardens?
All I see are patches of white and yellow and toxic reds
My body is fatigued and my fatigue is strained
Nature's luscious greens have only one thing to blame
Bits and pieces of colour: The red-yellow-white stain
I am breathless. My heart is pounding
My mind is trying to reason, to put up with this treason
Where have the trees gone missing, my shallow self is expounding
Trucks, trucks are all envisioned.
Red-Yellow-white. The green pastures and the beautiful black might
All are meshed up, cluttered like the evils of a mind
All succumbed to the whims and fancies of Red-Yellow and white
A cajole, a plea, a cry is what I scream
Pastures of green and precious black
is what I really want to seek
The black gold of beauty, aesthetic, marvel and craft
The green of life, wealth, meaning and art
Have the power to eliminate the vices of the mind
Have the strength to stupefy the villain inside
The power of black and green
Will segregate the fallows of disease clean
And no longer will we see the schema of colours alike
Separation of Red-Yellow and White.
A safer environment has arrive
Published 6th Oct 2015
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
Great piece with a strong heartfelt meaning. Loosing our environment by destructive man made forces is a great shame we must endure the reprocutions of.
Enjoyed!
Jennifer
Enjoyed!
Jennifer
6th Oct 2015 9:14am
First of all, THANK YOU. I very much appreciate the suggestions. I haven't gone through it in detail, but I will get back to you once I am done. Another thought: The redundancy of some sentences are to sorta create an impact. I want this to be more like a performance poetry.
Lastly. haven't proof read it, so will edit all the grammatical errors.
Again, thanks a bunch. Means a lot. :) Will get back to ya, ASAP
Lastly. haven't proof read it, so will edit all the grammatical errors.
Again, thanks a bunch. Means a lot. :) Will get back to ya, ASAP
6th Oct 2015 9:18am
And, it may sound a little raw and unpolished. Working on it. Just a backdrop to the poem: I am into environment conservation. The reds-yellows and whites represent unsegregated waste. The green, ofc, is nature in her untapped form and the black-gold is compost. So I wish to untangle the mesh of red-yellow-and red (not the colours of nature, but the colours of the toxic waste we produce)
6th Oct 2015 10:24am
Suggestion 1: Corrected. I meant mind confound i.e. confused
Suggestion 2: Sight betrays: Here, I do not mean betrayal, but betrays as in : unintentional revelation. My sight unintentionally reveals things that not one but I see.
Suggestion 3: Corrected the fatigued and the trucks bit. But I am a bit confused on how the mind is fatigued part is redundant? I meant to emphasize on my exasperation.
Suggestion 4: I want to seek pastures of green and black (that is a pile of clean, chemical-free compost)
Is there anything else that needs to be reworked on, let me know. Also, let me know if my corrections made sense to you?
Words are not enough to express my gratitude. Very few are can deliver an honest criticism without sounding haughty
Loads of Smiles
R.T
Suggestion 2: Sight betrays: Here, I do not mean betrayal, but betrays as in : unintentional revelation. My sight unintentionally reveals things that not one but I see.
Suggestion 3: Corrected the fatigued and the trucks bit. But I am a bit confused on how the mind is fatigued part is redundant? I meant to emphasize on my exasperation.
Suggestion 4: I want to seek pastures of green and black (that is a pile of clean, chemical-free compost)
Is there anything else that needs to be reworked on, let me know. Also, let me know if my corrections made sense to you?
Words are not enough to express my gratitude. Very few are can deliver an honest criticism without sounding haughty
Loads of Smiles
R.T
It reads quite nice now, much clearer my dear. Stunning piece.
The new layout is very effective!
Really like the one line standing alone.
The new layout is very effective!
Really like the one line standing alone.
The redundancy lies in the statement fatigue is strained. Implied in the word already.
However rereading, not bothered by it. Kinda works with the other lines being repeated. Puts extra significance on your frustrations. Especially knowing you are something of an activist.
Brava for you on that, need more like you.
Happy you took suggestions for what they were,
And understood the spirit in which they were given.
Says a lot about your character doll.
I truly enjoyed this, you are obviously a lady of deep thought. I post and edit after a lot so I totally understand that!
And the red yellow...color meaning was clear.
Repetition is a very good stylistic choice...
Taking down first comments. Would not want to seem as if i was knocking your lovely poem
Exited to see your future works my dear!/
With respect
Jennifer
However rereading, not bothered by it. Kinda works with the other lines being repeated. Puts extra significance on your frustrations. Especially knowing you are something of an activist.
Brava for you on that, need more like you.
Happy you took suggestions for what they were,
And understood the spirit in which they were given.
Says a lot about your character doll.
I truly enjoyed this, you are obviously a lady of deep thought. I post and edit after a lot so I totally understand that!
And the red yellow...color meaning was clear.
Repetition is a very good stylistic choice...
Taking down first comments. Would not want to seem as if i was knocking your lovely poem
Exited to see your future works my dear!/
With respect
Jennifer
8th Oct 2015 2:36am
I enjoyed your poem, and I understood what you meant in it. I'm happy that Calamitygin , Jennifer, is helping you to perfect it. She's a cool and talented poet.
And you have talent and drive. I look forward to seeing your future works.
And you have talent and drive. I look forward to seeing your future works.
8th Oct 2015 4:42am
Yes. I am really lucky to have people like Jen giving me honest feedback. Thank you for liking it. You can pitch in give your critical commentary as well. :)
