For You I Live

Another great poem, ive been through the same thing

Thank you. I mean i didnt actually do this but i do love someone so much like this. But thanks again. ;D

This is better, not repetitive.

Now I'd like to see you expand on the poem.  Get more feelings in there. More images.  I liked how you said that your heart was pumping faster and that it was a rush, but can you put that into some other words that I can relate to?  Since I never have any intention of cutting my wrists I can't imagine the rush.  However, if you tell me it's like riding a roller coaster, then perhaps I can start to comprehend your meaning (that's just an example).

Good rhythm and flow.  The poem is well-structured.

Thank you. And i know, ive never cut my wrist either. Im not emo as i mentioned i just made it up. But thanks ;D

Way better sweetie..

Thank you ;]

Before I say anything, please know that I'm in no way, shape, or form capable to give a correct critique, but these are just my personal thoughts, coming from someone who is working on improving their poetry themselves.

It's different from the repetitive poems, but some of the same critique still applies. (i.e. More imagery, details, expanded vocabulary). With that, I think it would benefit.  If you want to work on imagery, try writing a poem of, or relating, to nature; I find it helps bring out the senses.

Also, along those lines, it's also sometimes better to write on a subject that you are somehow experienced with or very empathetic to. If you don't cut, you might not exactly have a feel for the actual situation. And if you don't feel what is happening, neither will the reader.

Again, I'm in no way able to accurately judge this, but I felt that I could be a little help at least.

I understand what your saying. But answer this: If i never told you that i didnt cut would you have thought i did.? Would you have felt the poem more because you thought that i felt it too.?

You need to capitalize some of your i's into I's. Its inconsistent. Do it one way or the other, only use lower case i's if there is a good reason for it...which I don't know of one...I write poems on suicide a lot (and cutting) you should try reading some of mine...maybe they will give you inspiration...otherwise this is a step up from before...but honestly when you make a forum post to have comments done on your poetry, you're making yourself out as more than a casual passerby target...so word of these wise...if you get offended easily or not by what people have to say, than you may be setting yourself up for more than you bargained for. That being said, I feel like you do have talent...I do however feel like you're trying way too hard! Poetry should flow with ease, without being forced. Try just easing your mind, relaxing, and let your words flow effortlessly. You act like you want critique, but in my opinion you're acting like your craving attention more than anything else....just don't sell yourself short...write what you know and feel in your heart, not what you think you know...and if you don't know, research it, and write as an informed person, rather than just insensitive ignorance. Honestly, reading this poem might offend someone else who has been through it (or they may not respond to it at all) because it's rather vague and generalized, with barely any real heart to it. I am not trying to be hurtful in the least bit, if you want honesty than I'll give it. If you want me to lie to you, you should have asked me to in the first place. As much as I write on a daily basis, you can trust that my opinion has some sort of merit, others may have more or less time to write than me, and their advice is just as sound, if not better than mine. I claim to be no poetic genius...however, I do really want to help people who ask for it, and need it. Try writing some poetry, don't post a forum thread on it, and see what people say about it then. You may or may not be surprised, but one thing is for certain...you may get more honest critique than you think! Some people may be nicer since you're just starting out...but I have dealt with harshness since day one! Take it or leave it, pick yourself up, and dust off...and write, write, and write some more! Don't mostly go by what other people say, go by your own instincts and feelings...write what is in your heart, and don't sell yourself out, just to make us happy with your poetry! As long as you feel good about it, than that is all that matters! If you want honest critique, than you've asked for it. Just be prepared for real opinions, however harsh or not. I agree with the others above me...think (meat and potatoes) and draw upon your vocabulary and imagery a bit more. Trust me, the payoffs in the end will be worth it! Emotionally, and criticism wise!

very grim im not emo either but i write about this kind of stuff , good job you shall find as you write more poems you will be able to write on a range of subjects it just takes practice and a lot of thinking!

I like but I know you can develop this into something more meaningful YOU HAVE THE POWER!! Or as I would say where theres a will theres a way. You cna never be too discriptive, use your four senses describe your environment, how your feeling and also what you feel, as the blade was incerted into your flesh. Be brutal. I see this has become a critics breeding ground, and I think you need to give them what they want. Which is effectively a flawless piece of writing. Then they shall leave you be. If you would like we could do a collaboration, I enjoyy writing with others and I'd like to help you develop your writing skills. Let me know what you think.  And once agian good job :D

Hahah, thank you [;
And yeah i know there are some people on here who have been tougher than others, but i more than less appreciate that.
It helps me grow and understand what i need to wrok on. And in my poems i will try to use more of my senses so you can picture it, connect, and feel it.
I write about real things, things that i feel, or things that im going through. I just want people to feel what im writing and in most cases be able to realate. Because personally i LOVE it when i can relate to a poem, i usually like it more. ;]
And i also think that doing a collaboration with you is a great idea. Working with someone more advanced and experienced will help me and i think we will get to understand each other better.
I have only told one person on here how old i am [Levi] and i honestly think that for my age, i'm not too bad. So thanks for supporting me and yes, i agree, i do have the power! xD
Thanks ;D

Fuck yea! Its not Emo, it's suffering, plain and unsimple. Love it...

Thank you.! ;D
Check out my other poems, too.
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