Sorry

Reading this brought tears to my eyes, beautiful poem

Thank you so much. [;

I like it and I've been in this spot before.

Thank you ;D

ive been in that spot also, and was in it for a while

since most of the lines read fine without the
"sorry"; you could try taking all the "sorry"'s
out and adjusting the few lines that depend on the word.

I'm with Ray...the word 'sorry' has very little power for the reader, because it is used every day and for everything. See if you can ditch it or use it once at the start...it becomes tedious to contiually re-read the word...and takes away from the rest of the work, which deserves the effort to shine it.

I understand.
But my whole concept of the poem was about sorry. But ill try to change it. [; Thanks.

I totally disagree with that^ Repetition can be very important for rhythym espescially in this sort of poem and as the reader I very much enjoyed it! I undertsand you could change it up a bit like:

I apologise for not being perfect
Sorry for what I can't do
I REALLY wish I was happy
But sorry I'm just not you

etc etc though if I was you I wouldn't. This is a brilliant poem, Keep it up =)

Thank you. ;]
And i agree.

I like skinnyjean's alteration idea even though she didn't recommend it for you, it seems to suit the tone and level you're working on. If you didn't go for that, I would follow the advice of the two pretty established, experienced poets that have offered advice: Just my two pence.

The repetition really threw me off, and I wouldn't call this the proper way of using the repition method.
There are many different words that could substitute 'sorry'.

However, this is a relatable poem and that I enjoyed.

Okay...my biggest pet peeve is repetition!!! "laughs" now with that being said...this isn't my style at all...I usually will pass up poems that look like this...but I will say it was good for what you were trying to make it. I guess repetition bugs me, I only use it subtly when I am trying to make certain points, but not to this extreme. There is a certain degree of people who would like poetry like this, and I am not trying to put you down or them at all. The way I write is just different, as is yours and everybody else's. You seem like you would want constructive criticism, rather than crass opinions like mine (both are one in the same anyways) so here it is:

What makes me a better poet (I think) is by trying to find words that mean the same thing but look different. If a poem looks too busy, some people may overlook it entirely. I don't know what preferences you have, as I don't really know you at all...just try using these words in different contexts, or use words that mean the same thing like these:

Sorry:

apologetic, attritional, compunctious, conscience-stricken, contrite, guilt-ridden, melted, penitent, penitential, repentant, self-accusing, self-condemnatory, self-reproachful, shamefaced, softened, touched


Like I said before, the point you were trying to convey in this poem was used, and over used, again and again! I've read your other poem, and it seemed to have a similar style, just don't sell yourself short, experiment with different ways of writing your poetry, and try to stray away from doing this, because its just lazy. After the first stanza I got that you were sorry. There just needs to be more meat with the potatoes! Trust me, I have posted over 300+ poems on this site...and I still don't have it right yet! I am not saying I am better than you, just try to give more details...people will respond better in the end, and you'll feel more rewarded because of it!

-I hope I've helped. If I have come off mean or nasty, I am truly sorry...I think we all have it in us to do better, and if that is what you really want, than I can help!

No you didnt come off mean at all. I really appreciate it. And thank you for helpnig. I am not an experienced write AT ALL. So i apologize for making these mistakes, as you can see im just exploring myself and abilities. I have other poems that im going to submit that dont use repetition. And i honestly think that your right and the repetition drains the actual meaning. And bores the poem. I knoe that i can write very emotionally and meaningful things and i have to start by not repeating as much. So thank you for your help. ;]

Your welcome! I am just glad that there is another person who actaully wants to use this site for what its intended for...trust me I have 1000's & 1000's of reads on my poetry, but less than 350 comments...and not even a 1/3 of those are constructive. I appreciate flattery, don't get me wrong...but I do want to craft my talents and develop one of the very few talents I actually do have! "laughs" well everything is eventual...or not?

Haha yeah i agree. ^-^

Hmmm strong arguement and I also must agree, the thing with repetition is you need to either change it up a bit throughout the poem, or focus on more than one area. Or maybe build it up to one point, although I'm pretty sure the last two lines are pretty well set out to the rest of the poem. You see there have been hundreds probably thousands of "I'm sorry" poems as there are of sadness love and heartbreak and yadayadayada. I won't ramble on too much. The point is to make yours stand out in the crowd. But wow, your just a starting out poet and to me that is pretty darn good, poetry's an art, it grows on you and grows with you. And just look at the comments you've got on this one! I still don't advise you to change it because it's already written. Taking appart something you've created is pointless when you can start off new. Get a blank piece of paper and have at it! I look forward to reading more xx

I couldn't agree more with you on this! Don't change it, go on and write more! Great advice!

Thank you. ;] And these are actually my only two poems that i repeat like this. I have other poems that dont repeat and i will sumbit them. But thanks for the advice.! ;D

Same as I said on your other poem. Not a fan of repeat words.. I don't think it's a very strong poem. I'm sorry. You have something. You just have to practice more. Read more poems.

 im not perfect.  for what i cant do. 
I'm  not happy.  I'm not you. 
 im here.  im not gone. 
 you dont care for me. 
 im outspoken.  i dont share. 
 i dont need you.  you were never there. 
  
 i gave up quickly.  that i quit. 
 i didnt try.  you didnt care a bit. 
 your not the one. it didnt work out. 
 we're not right for each other. i had my doubts. 
you didnt please me.  you weren't right. 
 we went downhill  but all we did was fight. 
  
 i cant trust you.  you haven't changed. 
 i dont want to risk it.  your still the same. 
 but it's your fault.  you made me cry. 
 im sick of your mistakes.  but all you did was lie. 
 isnt enough this time.  ive made up my mind. 
you ruined everything. Sorry i was so blind. 
  
  

Agree with some of the sentiment above, you can become repetitious with your repetition.  When over-used it takes away from the poem in my opinion. Repetition is a powerful poetic device but it's really easy to abuse.

I have to confess I haven't even read the original poem. I did however read GG's edited version with all the sorry's removed.  It's actually not too bad.

I think your poem would have a lot more power if you started out with "sorry" and ended with "sorry" such that the last line reads "you ruined everything. I was so blind. <new line> Sorry."

I think your use of repetition works here, Amandaa, though I wouldn't overuse the technique. One tiny alteration I would suggest would be in the line: 'Sorry we went downhill. Sorry, but all we did was fight.'
I'd leave out the 'but', it just adds one syllable too many IMO. I think the line flows better without it. But nice piece, anyway.

You apologise too much no? Lol
It was good I liked it, had flow