a study in tangents

i have no patience to write.
what i need is a catalyst
if only there were something strong enough that i wouldnt fall in love with.
love is like aids. it doesnt kill you, but it leaves you open to everything.
Thats why we call it being vulnerable. your judgment is suspended
youre willing to believe anything.
i like being cynical about love, but this is really only because it keeps you safe.
cynicism is just like preparation.
that is why it is unhealthy in and of itself.
cynicism is literally anxiety with one speculative object to defend against.
The object of cynicism is just a possible negative outcome of any situation.
Training your mind to see the negative side of situations in order to increase the ability to escape from them. Thats what cynicism is.
This is like the polar opposite of love then. Love is being open to literally anything; being vulnerable.
cynicism is being prepared for everything, and everything will be negative somehow.
These two things cannot exist together.
if i am to love, i must stop trying to see only the negative
if i am to live, i must not let myself be destroyed by a lack of defenses.
so then, in order to experience lasting love, one must learn to fight naked. stripped of armor. one must be dexterous, brilliant, stealthy and strong. Able to take the pain of wounds inflicted with no armor. one must walk through life naked and unafraid. seeing the world this way is really the only way to be happy. to see the bright side through the risk. to see the sunset in the trenches.

so i suppose my catalyst is just sitting here and writing crap till thoughts come out...