I was so confused

I was so confused.
You were so right yet so very wrong
I was so confused.
I've never loved like this before
your empty I love you's and meaningless promises
I was so confused
I breathed you
I wanted you
I hurt me so bad so I could love you so hard
I was so confused
you were this beautiful image in my head yet this ugly reality
I thought I did everything right
I made you wait a year to get all of me you were ready I was ready we were ready.

Then all of that shattered right in my face it was just one time then one became two and to became three next thing I no I'm lost in you
I was so fuqkin confused
then you were so sorry next thing you no I'm pregnant at 14 scared as hell to tell my momma cause she raised me better then that
you don't have sex with a man because he said he loved you or because he called you beautiful or simply because you feel like your in love
my momma taught me better then that

6 months along and we are going to have a baby girl
I was so confused
I'm gaining weight I'm lying to my momma in crying every night by myself because your out doing god now's watt with god now's who but we're going to be a family right? (wrong)
see cause just as quick as I thought we were going to be a family is how quick you you had me pinned up against the wall crying I can't breath
All I could hear you say was (look at me)

I was so confused
I should of had my brothers rip your ass apart but I'm 8 months pregnant and we're going to be a family

I was so numb to the situation I lost focus
I'm reaching for you in my sleep yet the sight of you makes me sick to my stomach

I was so confused
telling myself he dose love you or it wouldn't hurt like this

yet viewing my life as I sleep I woke up in pain I woke up screaming I was in so much pain
Its like i felt her die I felt her last kick I felt her pain

but I was so confused
I was numb to watt was going on I paid her no mind ignoring your calls and my pain it's almost time I need my mom but momma taught me better then that
I haven't felt her move in a few days
but it's OK she's just sleep
I was so confused
she's gone but granny said just have faith my baby is OK
no longer worried about watt the Dr had to say
my granny said God has the last word
but deep down I know she's gone
not crying not hurting not worrying just breathing cause I'm still alive just numb

mask over my face closing my eyes cause it's time
waking up to I'm sorry baby and him walking out
I just want my momma but no point of letting her down now right this is our little secret
medication wearing off so I can take a shower not crying cause I'm still numb

yet behind closed doors it hit me like a car flying at me at 100mph
like a 3000 pound elephant sitting on my chest
I'm 14 why does this hurt so bad I'm 14 how could I get myself in to a situation like this
screaming crying and gasping for air became a second language
but I was so confused
and to this day at 20 years of age I am still numb


      -Nyah